PBP Commentary

Coming up we have a light heavyweight MMA rules bout between Thoreaux AssKicken (ranked 0 p4p, 0 weight class) and Anus Rhammar (ranked 0 p4p, 0 weight class). AssKicken comes to the cage accompanied by 5 finger death punch: Bad Company. On his way into the cage it seems that Thoreaux AssKicken has been attacked by a crazed fan! It looks like it might have been the just bleed guy! Luckily Thoreaux AssKicken seems to be OK! I thought that lunatic was in prison!?

AssKicken
vs
Rhammar

190 cm
22
217 lbs
2 - 0 - 1

195 cm
21
215 lbs
2 - 1 - 1

Good wrestling
World class boxer
Cardio machine

Good wrestler
Excellent MT
Good gas tank

Ladies and gentlemen. This fight is 3 rounds, for the light heavyweight championship of the world!
Introducing the champion to my left, fighting out of the red corner.
With a record of 2 - 0 - 1, fighting out of Amsterdam, Thoreaux AssKicken!
And introducing the challenger to my right, fighting out of the blue corner.
With a record of 2 - 1 - 1, fighting out of Las Vegas, Anus Rhammar!
The judges for this bout are Timothy Bukovac, and Frank Antenori.

The bell rings for round one and we are underway!
AssKicken takes a swing at Rhammar's ribcage but misses.
Rhammar tries to clinch but AssKicken moves out of range.
A little feinted left hand from AssKicken on the counter but he doesn't commit to it.
A chopping leg kick lands by Rhammar.
Rhammar connects with a solid leg kick.
A punch combination from AssKicken misses.
Rhammar cracks AssKicken with a right hand to the side of the head.
Rhammar moves into range and lands a nice leg kick.
AssKicken chopped to the floor by a nice leg kick but he springs right back up before Rhammar can pounce on him.
Good shot there by AssKicken.
AssKicken misses with a hook. Rhammar ducked under it nicely.
AssKicken throws an uppercut from half a mile away. Rhammar sees it coming and avoids it easily.
Rhammar cracks the inside of AssKicken's front leg.
AssKicken thuds a left hand into Rhammar's body.
We've seen a great period of action over the last minute or so - credit to both fighters for going all out!
Rhammar uses some good footwork to avoid the body shot by AssKicken.

That's one minute gone in the round.
AssKicken bobs and weaves and throws out a fast jab that snaps Rhammar's head backwards.
AssKicken swings and misses with a hook to the body.
AssKicken looks to land a right hand but Rhammar moved out of range.
AssKicken lands a nice hook to Rhammar's body. Rhammar takes it in his stride and looks to land his own strikes.
Good exchange - AssKicken coming out on top.
Rhammar moves out of range of the strikes.
Rhammar steps to the side to avoid the strikes from AssKicken.
AssKicken moves into range and throws a combination. A nice jab followed by a hook to the body.
Rhammar ducks right into an uppercut from AssKicken.
Rhammar avoids the body shot from AssKicken.
Rhammar works his jab well there, keeping his opponent at a distance.
The crowd are loving this. Great action here.
AssKicken misses with an uppercut.
Thoreaux AssKicken seems to be the more aggressive standup fighter in this bout.

The fight moves into the clinch position.

That's two minutes gone in the round.
Rhammar lands a shoulder strike that jolts his opponent's head backwards.
AssKicken scores with a shot to the side of Rhammar's head.
Rhammar blocks a body shot from AssKicken.
An uppercut on the inside fails to land for Rhammar.
An uppercut on the inside fails to land for Rhammar.
Rhammar has a couple of punches blocked by AssKicken.
Rhammar lands with a quick shot inside that doesn't really do much damage.
Rhammar lands with a quick shot inside that doesn't really do much damage.
AssKicken misses with some punches.
Rhammar tries a shoulder strike but it doesn't do any damage.
Rhammar throws a punch but it's blocked by AssKicken.
AssKicken blocks a couple of punches on the inside.

AssKicken breaks the clinch and we're back to striking at distance.
Rhammar fails in his attempt to clinch.
Rhammar slips a straight right by AssKicken.

That's three minutes gone in the round.
Rhammar dips to his left and cracks AssKicken with an uppercut!
Rhammar tries to close the distance and clinch up against the cage but AssKicken paws at him with a jab and circles away.
Rhammar throws a quick inside leg kick.
AssKicken throws a predictable looking body shot
and Rhammar counters with a nice leg kick.
AssKicken tries to bum rush Rhammar with a series of wild strikes but Rhammar uses good footwork to avoid the assault.
AssKicken scores with a sloppy punch to the body. Not much technique there but it did the business.
AssKicken throws a jab but it's blocked by Rhammar.
A jab from AssKicken misses.
AssKicken looks to have improved his striking defense since last time we saw him fight.
A solid body kick from Rhammar.
Oooooooooooh, not good. A low kick from Rhammar lands where it shouldn't have, right in the... well, you know what he did? He kicked him in the penis. He's injured, injured bad. The referee sends both fighters to their corners and AssKicken has 5 minutes to recover. He's OK now though... a thumbs up from AssKicken and we're back underway with a touch of gloves.
Rhammar slips under a jab from AssKicken.
Rhammar scores with a slapping inside leg kick.
AssKicken scores with a jab to the jaw of his opponent.

That's four minutes gone in the round.
Rhammar uses decent footwork to sidestep a right hand from AssKicken.
Rhammar tries to counter with a clinch but AssKicken shakes him off and moves away.
AssKicken swats away the attempt to clinch by Rhammar.
AssKicken swung with a counter right hand that didn't connect.
The fans in attendance giving it up for the two fighters, who have really let it all hang out in the last minute or so!
AssKicken misses the jab.
Rhammar feints a counter leg kick.
AssKicken is hobbling a little on that front leg after taking quite a few leg kicks so far in this fight.
Rhammar keeping his hands up high there, blocking the jab from AssKicken.
Rhammar tries to counter with a clinch but AssKicken shakes him off and moves away.
Rhammar tries to clinch up against the cage, rushing in to close the distance. AssKicken manages to break the clinch and circles back to the middle of the mat.
AssKicken throws a left and a right that both miss
and Rhammar counters with a leg kick.
AssKicken lands a body shot.
AssKicken scores with a punch to the gut of his opponent.

The fight moves into the clinch position.
A short left from Rhammar.
A short right hand to the side of the head by AssKicken.
Rhammar stays in close to his opponent and throws a right hand to the body.
And that’s the end of the round – the fighters go back to their corners.

That was a close round but I would say that Thoreaux AssKicken will probably get the nod.
Well, the break between rounds is over. Let's get back to the scrappin!

Nice combo by AssKicken! Oh, that's hurt him - Rhammar falls to the canvas and AssKicken follows him into side control.

Rhammar is still looking wobbly from the end of the last round!
Rhammar tries to escape but AssKicken is in control.

AssKicken wants to work for a kimura but he's foiled early by Rhammar, who protects the arm well.
AssKicken has knee on belly and now moves to full mount! Trouble for Rhammar!

That's one minute gone in the round.
AssKicken seems to be looking to move to his opponent's back but Rhammar is holding on tight.
AssKicken is really dominating this fight. Is there anything that Rhammar can do to turn this around?
Rhammar is not a happy chappy… he wants out of there.
Rhammar is using up a lot of energy trying to get back to his feet. Perhaps he should improve his position first.
The fighters are starting to get a bit slippery now, which will make submissions a bit more difficult.
AssKicken fails to move to back control.
Rhammar is squirming around, avoiding AssKicken's attempts to control the action.
Rhammar has given up his back.
Rhammar wants to get back to his feet.

AssKicken has his opponent's back and is working for the choke.

That's two minutes gone in the round.
Rhammar is trying to get back to his feet but he's not managed it yet.

Rhammar is displaying good submission defense - not really looking in danger of submitting to the rear naked choke at the moment. That could change in an instant of course if AssKicken gets his way!
Rhammar is keeping busy.

AssKicken has his hand under the chin of his opponent looking for the choke. He's nearly got it! This one could be all over! But no, Rhammar has freed his hand and lives to survive another… well, another couple of seconds at least!

Rhammar is looking to stand back up. He's having to work hard to escape but eventually he manages it.
Rhammar uses good footwork to get in and out, landing a nice hook.
Thoreaux AssKicken is winning the standup battle so far.

That's three minutes gone in the round.
AssKicken walks straight into an uppercut. Luckily it didn't land flush.
Jab, jab by AssKicken - just one landing.
AssKicken throws a body shot but no joy.
Rhammar tries to close the distance and clinch but AssKicken swats him to one side with an open hand palm strike and circles away.
Rhammar lands a leg kick that knocks AssKicken off balance momentarily.
Rhammar throws a nice inside leg kick.
Rhammar throws a low kick but AssKicken moves out of range easily.
Good exchange - AssKicken coming out on top.

Rhammar rushes AssKicken and presses him up against the cage.
AssKicken tries to work over Rhammar's body with a swooping hook but it only glances the target.
A hook to the body from Rhammar.
A head punch blocked on the inside by AssKicken.
AssKicken blocks a couple of punches on the inside.

That's four minutes gone in the round.
Rhammar misses with a shot to the kidneys.
AssKicken tries to land a shot to the body but it's blocked.
AssKicken fails to land with a short punch on the inside.
Rhammar fails to land with a short punch on the inside.
Rhammar lands a hook to the side of the head.
This has been an exciting period of action!
Rhammar swings wildly with an uppercut but AssKicken uses good head movement to avoid it.
AssKicken working hard to break the clinch.
Rhammar trying to control the position but instead, AssKicken has worked for underhooks and has pushed Rhammar into the cage.
AssKicken looks like he'd prefer to be striking at range right now.
AssKicken misses with a hook to the ribs.
AssKicken is trying to pull guard but being pressed up against the cage enables Rhammar to keep the fight standing.
AssKicken blocks a punch to the side of the head.
Rhammar throws a punch but it's blocked by AssKicken.
And that’s the end of the round – the fighters go back to their corners.

Thoreaux AssKicken dominated that second round.
The referee calls time. The cornermen exit stage left and we're back to business. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the final round!

A telegraphed right hand from AssKicken misses the target.
Rhammar is looking to take this fight into the clinch.
Rhammar gets cracked with a nice right hand there by AssKicken.
Rhammar tries to clinch up against the cage, rushing in to close the distance. AssKicken manages to break the clinch and circles back to the middle of the mat.
Rhammar lands a slapping body shot.
Rhammar uses some good footwork to avoid the body shot by AssKicken.
AssKicken misses with a hook.
We've had a slow start to the round here - hopefully the action picks up.
Rhammar takes a shot to the eye socket. That's gotta hurt.
AssKicken takes an uppercut right on the button but keeps his composure.
A shot to the body from AssKicken misses
and Rhammar counters with a thumping low kick.
Rhammar doesn't manage to clinch there - AssKicken circles away.

That's one minute gone in the round.
Rhammar looks to land a combination but AssKicken avoids it well.
AssKicken chopped to the floor by a nice leg kick but he springs right back up before Rhammar can pounce on him.
AssKicken swings for the body but Rhammar moves out of range.
Rhammar connects with an inside leg kick.
Rhammar tries to clinch up.

Rhammar gets to the clinch - let's see what his plan is here.
Rhammar lands a hook that snaps the head of AssKicken backwards.
Rhammar misses with a short punch on the inside.
Anus Rhammar seems to be working more effectively in the clinch in the fight so far.
Rhammar lands a hook to the body. It's hard to tell if that hurt AssKicken or not.
A head punch on the inside from AssKicken fails to land.
Rhammar working aggressively here.
AssKicken misses with some punches.
AssKicken is working Rhammar over against the cage.
AssKicken throws a head punch that misses.

That's two minutes gone in the round.
Rhammar doesn't land with the attempted body shot.
AssKicken blocks a punch to the side of the head.
Rhammar swings away with an uppercut that misses.
Still in the clinch, AssKicken scores with a nice short uppercut.
AssKicken throws a head punch that misses.
This is a great period of action - very entertaining stuff!
Rhammar can't find room to land a body shot as AssKicken controls the action.
Rhammar has been looking to improve his clinch game in recent weeks. AssKicken seems to have the measure of him in the clinch so far, so let's see if Rhammar can turn it around.
Rhammar makes some space for himself and lands an uppercut.
Rhammar can't find room to land a body shot as AssKicken controls the action.
Rhammar working aggressively here.

AssKicken ties up his opponent against the cage and manages to drag the fight down to the ground. AssKicken no doubt will be looking to work submissions from his guard.
AssKicken looking to sweep here. No luck so far.
Rhammar is looking to stand up but AssKicken won't let him.
Rhammar preventing the sweep.
The fighters are pressed up against the cage, both looking to find a bit of space to work.
Rhammar has decided he wants to stand but the closed guard of AssKicken is proving hard to escape from.

That's three minutes gone in the round.

Rhammar stands and steps away. AssKicken gets to his feet too and we're back to the striking game.

Rhammar has AssKicken up against the cage in a clinch.
A short right from Rhammar on the inside.
AssKicken tries to jump guard but he falls flat on his backside. Rhammar smiles and moves away.
AssKicken avoids the clinch attempt nicely.
Donk. AssKicken catches Rhammar right on the button with a cross.
AssKicken thuds his right hand into Rhammar's forehead from close range. That could be painful for both fighters.
No joy there for AssKicken, who threw a few shots but didn't land.
Rhammar feints a counter leg kick.
AssKicken thows a left - swing and a miss!
Rhammar was about to counter that last move with a leg kick but changes his mind.

That's four minutes gone in the round.
AssKicken connects with a crisp jab.
Rhammar ducks under a wild hook from AssKicken.
It seemed like Rhammar was going to counter with the hook but didn't fully commit to it.
AssKicken misses with a jab to the body

and Rhammar counters by moving into the clinch. Good anticipation by Rhammar.
Rhammar misses with a shot to the kidneys.
AssKicken misses with a body punch.
AssKicken wants to push off and get back to the center of the mat but Rhammar has him pressed against the cage.
AssKicken misses with a punch to the body.
Rhammar looking to slow down the pace here.
Rhammar lands a body punch in the clinch.
The crowd are loving this. Great action here.
Rhammar throws a blind hook that connects with the side of AssKickens head.
AssKicken throws a punch but it's blocked by Rhammar.
AssKicken lands with a light punch inside.
A battle for position here, against the cage.
Anus Rhammar has stepped it up - he knows he needs a finish here!
Rhammar working on landing some head shots here - that one got through nicely.

And that's the end of the fight!
I would just about give that final round to Anus Rhammar.
I think AssKicken has won this one but let's see what the judges have to say. Over to the ring announcer for the scorecards.

Ladies and gentlemen, after 3 rounds of action, we go to the scorecards for a decision.
Judge Timothy Bukovac scores the fight 29:28
Judge Percy O'Donnell scores the fight 30:28
Judge Frank Antenori scores the fight 30:28

In favor of your winner, by unanimous decision... Thoreaux AssKicken!
Thoreaux AssKicken is the new light heavyweight champion!
A relieved looking Thoreaux AssKicken thanked the fans for their support and gave the usual line about them being amazing. They seemed to believe that he actually meant it.