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Pedro: Greetings, fight fans and welcome back to the Punchbowl Topless Review, home of the world's biggest butt stripper. It's true, just ask Guiness. Memphis may have the biggest boobs, but we have the biggest ass! We're back from a much needed vacation to bring you the preview show for Valhalla Hilo 28! With me as always is my partner in crime, Pepper Parks. Pep!
PEPPER: Oh hells yeah. Greetings to everyone watching the live feed on the Valhalla Hilo website and a big hello to the night owls watching us on Public Access. We're back in business and just to squash a rumor right now, we did not go to commentate for a rival company. We were approached, offered a lot of money, but we turned them down because Valhalla Hilo is the only org around with the balls to have our weigh ins at a strip club! Free lap dances may or may not have influenced our decision.
PEDRO: They certainly influenced my decision, Pep. We're getting going now as the fight doctor and the Hawaii State Athletic Commissioner have the scales set up. Out first is a scrappy pair of middleweights, "Shoeless" Joe Jackson and Michal Wyzie- Wyrzk, Michal Rizzie. Both of whom make the cut. Next in 145 pounder action, Felix Akamai and Karlic "The Garlic" Tiberous both tip the scales at under 145. Now for welterweights, Jack Jackson, brother of Shoeless Joe, and Carl "Yeee-ow!" Yoemen get the nod. Welterweights again, Hoku Kahaunaele and "Ugly" Joe Kid get the okay. Next up is middleweights Ed Thompson and Gram Prodigy, who both get approval. Another set of 145 pounders, Steve S. Stevenson and Craig Clendennon get the nod from our officials.
PEPPER: You do realize that most of your nicknames and factoids about the undercard fighters is wrong, don't you?
PEDRO: It probably is, but that's the alcohol talking. First up on our main card is middleweight Zed Zeddy. Zed is a boxer and a wrestler, which likely translates to sprawl and brawl. He's undefeated, and I doubt he wants that to change.
PEPPER: But looking to derail that undefeated streak is Mr. Die Hard himself, John Mclane. Yippee kai yay mother trucker indeed. Die Hard is a boxer who I'm told won first place in the national Cardboard Gloves tournament. He'll be looking to KTFOMG Zeddemore, or whatever the hell his name is, early. PEPPER'S PICK!!! Oh yes, the pick is back, though if you count my nose it never left. I pick Die Hard by a TKO in the second.
PEDRO: Out next is the reigning bantam, or is it feather? I can't remember. Anyway, the reigning champion in his weight class, Ikki Rokusho. Ikki's a scrappy young man from what we assume is Japan. We really aren't sure because he doesn't speak a word of english. Whatever he is, he's a hell of a boxer.
PEPPER: Looking to take that gold belt away from him is Belgium's own Enrique Molito, who I'm gonna nickname Mohito. Mohito is undefeated, and he's clawed his way to the number one contender's spot with blood, sweat, tears, and likely semen. Animal semen. That's a Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle quote right there for free. PEPPER'S PICK!!! Mohito is scrappy and has lots of guts, but I have to give the vote to the incumbent and say Ikki is going to walk away still champion.
PEDRO: Now for some light heavyweight action, we have out now Jimmy Yackey. Jimmy is a former Thai boxer who actually stunt doubled for Tong Po in Kickboxer 12: We Wish We Had Van Damme or Sasha Mitchell back. The Filipino fighter has some great stand up, but has shown a real weakness to Brazillian Jiu-Jitsu in the past. He's no doubt tried to plug that hole in his game.
PEPPER: And his opponent, one of my personal favorites, "The Thundaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah From Down Undaaaaaaaaaaaaah" Quala Bear. The Thundah is a good boxer, and a pretty decent counter wrestler. He's struggled a bit with bamboo addiction in the past, but after a stint in rehab he seems okay. PEPPER'S PICK!!! Honestly, these two are very evenly matched, and this fight could go either way. I think Yackey might take it with a decision, though.
PEDRO: And now, for the main event! Coming out first in welterweight action is Jack Crow. Not to be confused with Jim Crow, a noted racist. The native Los Angelean is mainly a Brazillian Jiu-Jitsu player, and has shown flashes of greatness with out of nowhere submissions. He's 3 fights into his pro career and hasn't lost one yet.
PEPPER: And coming out now to some nice light shows, is the man everyone came here to see. He pushed a little kid out a window, he's banged his sister, he always settles his debts even though winter is coming, and he's still cooler than you, the one, the only, the Kingslayer, Jamie Effing Lannister. Jamie's looking to get back into title contention and if he can have a dominating victory over Crow, I think he'll be mentioned. PEPPER'S PICK!!! I have to go with the Kingslayer, he's got 3 times the experience in the cage as Jim Crow, and a million times more experience than Crow at fathering children with his sister. Which I'm told will give a good endurance boost.
PEDRO: That's all for this weigh in, folks, we'll see you at the fights!
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