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2012-01-13 Price: Free Edition: # Previous Issues Submit Article |
 Tycoon Times - The World's Premier Weekly Mixed Martial Arts Newspaper |
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Tycooniversal Vertigo treatment centers of TokyoEditorial by David GoliathTycooniversal Vertigo treatment centers of Tokyo present: Reaching out for help...If you are reading this then you have had it. Yes, purchasing a copy of Tycoon Times and flipping through to find this editorial confirms my accusations 100%. I'll explain everything in a moment, just try to keep up because I am about to give you some important information... If you are reading this that means you know how to navigate the game, and want to check up on the latest copy of our awesome newspaper, which in turn means you are a regular player, which in turn means that you have spent countless hours with coaches training secondaries, sparring primaries, changing clothes, virtually mainlining supps because you think the guy is lying about quality, all of which is a means to winning a fight. Once you have won a major fight that you trained long and hard for you get to experience the luminous, intoxicating feeling that is Tycooniversal Vertigo. And this is your Swan Song... The feeling in and of itself is not an unpleasent one at all no, It feels so good that you have to ask yourself why am I writing about such a thing anyways? One could only theorize that this piece will steer towards stories of sexual encouters with a goddess, or an out of body experience just to make a comparable example to this tremendous feeling... The facts couldn't be any more different...or frighteningly realistic... How about the feeling of rejection and lonliness? Ackwardness and social anxiety? The sudden urge to find the nearest exit and plunge headfirst into traffic, just to shorten the time wasted with the non-tycoon world outside, or the refusal to continue your wedding vows by your soon-to-be demonic Ex wife. This is where is all comes crashing down for you...Pretty soon you won't be able to handle the outside and you will fall deep into the black world of delivery food... How does it all lead to this you ask? How could such a feeling bring about your demise? Well, anything that good has a price, and you will pay oh yes, you will pay! I'll explain...Does this sound familiar? {Walking in to greet your wife after work} "I woke up and noticed you were not in bed last night. It was 4 in the morning. What the hell were you doing?" "Oh, My ground N pound guy FROCK LESNERER had a fight early this morning and I couldn't wait to read it so I got up and blazed, and made some pizza rolls...and logged on to find that he lost in the first round due to submission to strikes, Which sucks because that means he has very little heart and I could swear that I check that as one of his hiddens but it's been almost 2 years now so I can't really remember, anyways I lost to a guy in our alliance so I guess it's okay that the loss is canceled out as far as our alliance record goes but fuck I wanted to win because now I dropped out of the top 100 and I dont have another fight for 30 days which fuckin sucks! So, how was your day" She stares in a slack-jawed daze, reminding you that noone gives a fuck about your nerdy MMA game at all, so you make a fair call that you may have just made your physical existance a problem in the eyes of a goddess scorned... When the anger begins to boil, it shows itself in her eyes first. Two pinpricks of yellow appear in her pupils, quickly growing into raging sockets of flame, licking at her bangs...Her face slowly turns red in a steady, upward growth from her visible neckline, beyond her hair like a boiling thermometer, until her whole head is glowing with radiation and a deadly, psychotic grin. As she opens her mouth to verbally defecate your effigy in 666 languages, It occurs to you that last night was her only night of ovulation, and she has been taking the booster pills for 3 weeks now, which in turn means that you missed your cue and she bought all that expensive blueray porn only to collect dust for another month. Thats two months in a row now, and this demon morphing in front of you is not here to destroy the world next december no, she is here to end your miserable little life, striking down a would-be father, and a deadbeat husband who always wanders about like he is high, spouting gibberish about PPV buys and something called a "no-contest Clock stucker" Obviously this is Tycooniversal Vertigo at its worst, and is not the typical hardship one may face when under the sweet spell. It may be just as simple as living an extremely unhealthy life of take out and pizza-infested arteries because the world just doesn't understand nor care what Tycoon Assistant is so you reject their reality and substitute your own. Never again leaving your home and quickly developing diabetes... No matter what type of fallback you are experiencing in your life, we are hear to help. David Goliath has formed a support group complete with... group therapy and one on one sessions with two certified tycooniversity graduates, literature and handbook on "Getting your shit straight", tips on avoiding your trigger point and long term goals studies all focused on balancing your lifes enjoyment, and your gaming experience. Some of you might be thinking, "I don't need some 12 step program, what I need is a place to spar all four styles before I start dropping primaries like a badly run political campaign"Don't kid yourself man! It all ends the same way. Such a feeling of false accomplishment always destroys its weilder, and can only be avoided by an unmarried man who lives in a houseful of roomies who also play the game, which is also known as Heaven, Valhalla, Elysium, Paradise, in which case I am wasting both of our time... Unless you live in heaven, you are doomed to a life of hell. Tycooniversal Vertigo treatment centers of Tokyo are open 24-7 to provide a help house near you no matter what time of day your life finally bottoms out. So before you meet a brutal destiny with a tycoon-tear sagging from your wearied, helpless eyes, come down and see a professional who can help you take hold of your last vestige of hope, and grapple it into submission like Hermes Franca on a whiskey bender with a jitz class and a throbbing jock... Tycooniversal Vertigo treatment centers of Tokyo...Because we don't want to see you die, and we don't want you to molest anyone... This is David Goliath, and I approve this message.
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