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 Hey everybody. Fred Meyer here, again, with another awesome show. Today on Inside The UPF we have none other than the former actor turned fighter, and a good one too, and he has become the trash talking king of the UPF. Boys and girls, ladies and gentlemen please help me welcome the one, the only Charlie Sheen.
[Charlie enters the stage accompanied by a well endowed blonde escort holding a six pack of beer. He gives the crowd the finger, pops a can of the beer off of the plastic ring, and smacks the escort on the behind, sending her on her way back stage. After giving the camera the finger he finally takes his seat.]
Freddy: [Chuckles and shakes his head.] Well well, what do you have there Mr. Sheen?
Charlie: This, my friend, is 7-11's finest: Bud Light Lime. Nothing puts the flavor of a big fat horse co** in your mouth quite like Bud Fu**ing Light Lime. As for my esteemed colleague in the red mini-skirt, well, I get to choose her name for the next three hours and forty-five minutes according to the down payment I put on her. I think I'll call her Brandy. Or Sandy. or Cu**y. Whatever feels right at the time.
Freddy: Lets go with one of the first two. Keep it clean. Haha. Anyway, how are you doing on this lovely day?
Charlie: Brandy it is. I like drinking brandy. I'm doing pretty well, man. I'm looking forward to my next fight with Julia something. I wasn't aware we had women competing in our division but I'm going to go out and prove why that shouldn't be allowed. Fallon Fox be damned, I'm going to kick this bitch's ass.
Freddy: You must be referring to "Blastmasta" Julio Smith, new comer to the UPF. Now as a former K-1 fighter, you are facing an opponent that not only is arguably as good as you in the stand up game. But also, has the edge in the ground game with four of his nine victories coming from the ground, two by sub and two by ground and pound. Does this raise a red flag in your head? Are you going to be extra cautious in your fight with Smith?
Charlie: Extra cautious? I take it you're not a fan or you would know that my style is to throw caution to the wind and come out of the gate with my twin guns firing. Julia Smith is only my equal on paper: we both know who the better striker is. I don't necessarily mean the one who scores fancy pants knockouts and all that bullsh**. Julia has been dropped more than a bar of soap in the hands of an inmate with Parkinson's Syndrome. As for her ground game, well, they said the same thing about Oktawian "The Caesar Salad" August and he couldn't hurt me on the ground. But seriously, who is the last MMA fighter to truly best me on the feet? I'll give you all a minute to think that one over. I out struck August when we fought but he latched on to me like a damned snuggie that you couldn't get a refund on.
Freddy: Actually, I am a fan and I was hoping you'd say that. But, what kinda interviewer would I be if I didn't ask questions like that? As far as the August fight goes, I am not sure if you out struck him. You landed twenty-five of seventy-eight strikes and August landed twenty-two of only fourth-four. August's striking percentage was much higher and only landing three strikes less than you with the higher hit percentage I'm inclined to say that August bested you in the stand-up game. And his takedowns and ground game got him an easy win by the judges. I think if you are not careful we could see the same results with this fight.
Charlie: August out landed me? Please. We're both men. You're a man right? You know I was the only bad ass in that fight. I stood in the pocket with the legendary finisher and landed more shots. I threw more, yes, because I wasn't afraid to get hit. August was having flashbacks of his fight with Akuma Zeto back in the old IFC. Again, his ground game wasn't worth a damned thing. He wanted to cuddle so I cuddled; I ended both the second and the third round on top of August Fitching him right back. So yeah, bested me? I think not. Once I got him on his back, he played dead like a coked out b-level actress in the back of my garage.
Freddy: Alright, well there are several ways to look at it, that's why we have multiple judges I guess. Haha. Anyway, so I hear that Igor Crazy is seeking his "revenge," would you care to comment on that?
Charlie: His name says it all. Igor is CRAZY. He didn't want to fight me the first fu**ing time so why is this any different? It's interesting how quickly his tone changes after I lose a fight and get taken down a couple of times. He was sitting back watching that fight going, "Oh! Look! That guy took Charlie down! Maybe I can actually challenge Charlie this time!" and he went back to his pathetic training camp over at the five dollar MMA academy behind the Buffalo Wild Wings parking lot and wrote out a game plan like, "Okay guys train me how to score a takedown so I can beat the Charlie". He must have finally figured out how to score a double leg if he's confident enough to put on his best suit and go to all the trouble of giving me a half-assed call out in some pathetic attempt to relive the days when his name was relevant. The only time his name had any household value was when it was coming out of my mouth before I put the worst fu**ing beating of his entire fu**ing career on his fu**ing bitch ass. In short, I accept your challenge Igor. Be careful what you wish for.
Freddy: Charlie, Charlie, come on man. lets keep it clean, man. Haha. Anyway, looks like we are getting low on time. Before we go, is there anything that you would like to say, to anyone besides Igor, Haha, maybe to your next opponent? maybe your fans? Or, To the company, perhaps?
Charlie: F*** Igor, f*** Julia "Roberts" Smith, and f*** the fans. Nothing but love to the f***ing company though. Before I go I wanna give a big shout out to Ultimate Pit Fighting, the best mother f***ing fight promotion in the world. If you're a welterweight and you favor yourself a true striker, come get some from the best. Did I mention f*** Igor Crazy?
Freddy: Haha. Yes you did mention that. But, unfortunately we are completely out of time, it has been a pleasure Mr. Sheen. Ladies and gentlemen your UPF trash talker Mr. Charlie Sheen. Coming up next week on Inside The UPF we will sit down with Charlie's rival Igor "The" Crazy. And, we will discuss well probably Charlie. Haha. So, tune in next week. Until next time, I'm Fred Meyer signing off.
Authors
Fred Meyer: Dale Saw
Charlie Sheen: Marcus Whitman
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