yearly aWARds 2016

About Me: Alika Webb

Once upon a time in a land called MMATycoonia, the admin god Michelangelo decided to take a well deserved break after having fought off the Aaron wolves of darkness who roamed his land with powers they stole from the MMATycoonia deity himself. Relieved he may have been trouble was still brewing in the world that he created …

yearly aWARds 2016

a clusterfuck parody by the mentally unstable mind of Alika Webb

Tribes were competing and at the end of the year 2015, I mean 2016 (change the name on the forum already!), they decided to award prizes to those who achieved greatness in that year. Thus the yearly awards were created and members of those tribes got the chance to cast their vote. But some tribes were concerned that they would get dominated in the votes by one of the biggest tribes of them all and so they united against a common enemy and conspired a plot. None wanted to be the bearer of the news so they brought forth an army and went together to the mountain of doom as brothers in arms to bring the news to lord Mentor, the leader of the tribe known as the Legion Of Doom.

In the Gamma fortress, Lord Mentor was having a heated discussion with his most respected warrior, the legendary Urukwhymer. “No Urukwhymer, no means no!” Lord Mentor bellowed. “Uruk…why…me…r?” asked the beast. “Well you should have thought of that sooner, my decision is final!” Mentor concluded. “Excuse me, if I may lord Mentor?” asked the little man shrouded by darkness standing in the corner. “No Alikaman the word magician, I will not excuse you. You abused my kindness just the same when you started writing that damn magic book of yours!” A horn sounded from afar warning the legion of imminent danger, lord Mentor looked outside and saw an army lurking on the horizon, waving a white flag and so Mentor summoned his forces to meet the visiting army on the deserted mud fields outside the walls of Doom that have protected the Legion for so long.

Both armies approached each other in formation and stopped advancing when they were just a football fields length apart from each other. “Well?” Lord Mentor asked, “To what do we owe the pleasure of your visit?” None spoke and the situation got tense. “Who is your leader?” Mentor demanded. Everyone in the opposing armies forces took a big step back, except the poor yellow dwarf named GBKimly. “When we announced the yearly awards, we might have forgotten to mention that if more than five people from one tribe vote for a fellow tribe member than only the first five votes will count.” the dwarf said so silently it was barely audible for lord Mentor. “What??!!” lord Mentor yelled in fury. Inspired by his newfound confidence the dwarf shouted that in the name of the admin god Michelangelo this rule would be enforced by every other tribe and that the Legion must adhere to the same rules. “This is an outrage! The average tribe only has five or six members, they are allowed to vote for themselves and because you have this new rule in place the tribes with more than five members cannot vote for themselves or their tribe mates. That is basically as rigged as it can get as you are punishing us for having the numbers advantage!” Lord Mentor tried to reason.

You could cut the tension with a knife and just as GBKimly started to open his mouth to reply, a little hobbit carrying a big ass Kalashnikov emerged from the allied troops and shouted “they screwed me over using duplication magic, kill them all!’ before shooting into the sky to blast some fire into the hearts of his fellow warriors. The allied army responded and ran forward, unfortunately his little hobbit legs were too short to stay ahead of them and so he was run over by his overly enthusiastic allies, planting him face first into the slimy mud.

Just as the armies were about to collide, lord Mentor said “say hello to my little friend!” as he reached inside his coat and threw a fist-sized ball in front of the rampaging army that was running towards the legion. The allied forces stopped their advance and looked down at the uncurling ball lord Mentor had just thrown. “Oh, what a cute little alien.” one of the soldiers said. But then the alien turned to face them, revealing foam dripping from its mouth and a crazed look in its eyes that terrified even the bravest warriors. “Rabid, use your fury attack!” Mentor shouted. Rabid used fury attack! It was super effective! “Haha, what YOU gonna do when RABIDMANIA runs wild on YOU!” the alien said with confidence. “Conor, use your horn drill!” GBKimly shouted, a fabulous white unicorn with a purple mane jumped over the yellow dwarf and launched itself toward the alien. Conor used horn drill! It was not very effective … The blow knocked the rabid alien back toward his peeps.

It was a standoff but not for long as GBKimly said “summon him” to his trusted advisor Mannetosemir. Despite having doubts Mannetosemir did as he was told and went to summon the Belgian beast from the seventh circle of hell. A significant patch of mud disappeared and revealed a stone staircase leading down below. To everyone’s surprise singing could be heard from the freshly made pit. The sounds became clearer by the second and before long a merry group of demons emerged wearing paper hats, doing a little dance and singing to the tunes of “for he’s a jolly good demon” blissfully unaware of the war they were walking into. The singing stopped as a Spartan dressed demon became aware of his new environment. “What is going on here?” the Spartan asked. “Belgian beast have you forgotten our arrangements already? We had a lengthy chat about this yesterday.” GBKimly said. Just as the Belgian beast was about to reply he was cut off by a homicidal raccoon who surrounded the demons with a group of his most trusted allies. “Yek yek yek, killing you will be the greatest achievement in my life!” said the raccoon. “GBKimly, we have been betrayed!” shouted Mannetosemir.

In the meantime lord Mentor saw the opportunity was there to take the advantage and so he called for his wizard. “Hey Alikaman, give us the magic words!” Aliman the word magician jumped from joy as he could finally do something to gain back the favor of his lord and in his enthusiasm catapulted the magic book he carried into the air. The book opened in its descend and landed print first into the mud, rendering its significance completely obsolete. Alikaman suffered a mental breakdown at the sight of his epic failure and cringed a few sounds as he fell down to his knees in defeat. “Ooh, eeh, ooh, ah, aaaaaah.” As consciousness was fading, Alikaman saw a shifty figure in a dark robe roaming the battlefield coming toward him, silently observing the chaos and when he stood over the fallen Alikaman he reached under his robe to grab his mighty weapon … a white little thingy? He brought it toward his mouth … oh no wait, he was just eating some popcorn. My fault, moving on …

“How about we let our best fighters compete in a one on one battle?” Mentor suggested at the sight of Alikamans epic fail. “Fine” GBKimly responded. A massive beast was pushed forward from the legions vast army. “Uruk…why…me…r?” Urukwhymer asked as he turned to face his opponent. The opposing army had a lot more trouble as they started fighting amongst themselves over who their best fighter was. “I am the best fighter!” a Bulgarian brute said. “No, you’re too young” said musketeer Ryan of Epicity. King Christopher Carter got mixed in the discussion as he just started badmouthing everybody which turned the anger of the crowd towards him. “If given the opportunity, always go personal. Just don't take it personal.” said the king defensively. In the meantime the paint wizard double J Tycooner decided to take the time to give the allied forces a war paint makeover. 

In the end of their long discussion the Bulgarian brute Krum took it upon himself to end it and stepped forward to take the challenge. “Uruk…why…me…r?” said Urukwhymer as he looked at the massive Bulgarian brute coming towards him. Urukwhymer was pretty large himself but the Bulgarian brute doubled him in size. The Bulgarian brute gained speed and tried to kick off the head of the living legend. But Urukwhymer never backs down from a challenge, he ran toward the brute as well and just as the brute went for the kick Urukwhymer ducked underneath his big boot, turned and leaped into the air. The brute had no idea why his kick had missed and turned around to see the beast come flying at him! Urukwhymers arm hit the brutes neck with unimaginable force and sent them both crashing into the mud. While the brute had trouble regaining his senses, Urukwhymer started to feed off the now frenzied crowd and when they both stood back on their feet, he scooped the giant up and body slammed him so hard he lost consciousness as soon as he landed. Urukwhymer pinned the brute down to the ground and lord Mentor disrobed immediately, revealing the white and black striped referee attire he was wearing underneath. Lord Mentor hurried himself over toward the pin and started counting by tapping his hand in the mud: 1, 2, … NO!!! GBKimly had launched himself directly toward the referee and knocked lord Mentor out before the final count! Sir David of Brent, Sir Gerbert of Bryant and the master leader of the legion had seen enough and came to the rescue of the defenseless lord Mentor and so did the cavalry as the rest of both armies went to an all-out war!

Until suddenly one voice of reason could be heard over those noises of battle. “STOP!” yelled the yellow dwarf GBKimly. “Look over there, the troll king is at it again, he’s convincing the young soldiers to vote for his shifty friend!” The fighting stopped immediately and they all turned their heads towards the spot where GBKimly was looking, to see the humorous troll king chatting up some of their youngest soldiers. The troll king realized the trouble he was in when he saw every elite soldier in the MMATycoonia universe looking at him with an angry face and he started running as fast as he could. Finally peace was restored as both factions finally settled on a common enemy and started chasing the troll king instead of fighting amongst themselves.

Allow me to end this parody with a little wisdom. No award can leave a bigger mark on your life than the little moments you encounter everyday where you connect with and possibly touch people, even when you’re unaware of it.

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