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PEDRO: Good evening, fight fans! We're coming to you here on ESPN 8, The Ocho, from the beautiful Beachside Bar And Grill on the white sands of Maui for your Valhalla Hilo 16 Weigh In and Preview Show. We've sorted out our timeslot with The Ocho, and Pepper is wearing a shock collar that the FCC can use any time they think he's about to utter a swear word. We've got yet another exciting night of action lined up at the Hard Knocks Arena, so let's get started! With me as always is the trios to my menage, Pepper Parker. Pep?
PEPPER: -KZZZ- Ow! Son of a -KZZZ-! This shock collar hurts! Usually I'd be paying to get humiliated like this. Listen up, folks, Valhalla Hilo is kicking down the doors of MMA entertainment and bringing you the best action on the Islands once again! We're innovators in all aspects of the fight game, constantly doing things to keep fights interesting and entertaining. We were the first to institue mandatory drug tests, and if a fighter passes, he gets fined! And now we're having a weigh-in outdoors, on a nude beach no less. Another first.
PEDRO: I think you mean a fine for failing a drug test, Pep. And this isn't a nude beach, so put your clothes back on! Our company physician, Dr. Franklyn Stein, has set up the scale, and he's also sporting a nice set of sunglasses and looking cool and comfortable in his shorts and t-shirt. The Hawaii State Athletic Comissioner is sweating like a pig at a bacon factory in his full suit. He also resembles a pig. He approves the scale and we are set to go!
Heavyweights Steven Jones and Roy Roxas get the nod from the doc. Middleweights Andy Alliteration and John Ramsey make weight also. Again in middleweight action, Tito Boris and Gram Prodigy are good to go. 185 pounders Go Tenks and Dante Kane both make the cut. Once more in middleweight action, Trainor Trainer and Ed Thompson get okayed. Also middleweights, Miska Wuipio and Jon Snow make the cut.
And now for the first fight on our main card. Perennial crowd favorite Gokou "Super Saiyan" San comes out, shaking hands with the fans in attendance and posing for pictures with the tourists, a few of them bikini clad. Gokuo is a wrestler from Japan's famed dojo that I can't pronounce, but has shown that he's more than happy to let his hands go. He's coming off a tough loss to Johnny Terry for the Heavyweight belt and I'm certain he's looking to climb back to another title shot.
PEPPER: Now out comes his opponent, Lucky Delight. God, his parents must have hated him to name him that. That sounds like a name Lee Murray would give his prison -KZZZ-! Ouch! Aside from his name, Luck is a good all arounder who is comfortable in the fight anywhere it goes. He's undefeated, so all those years of getting picked in school must have made him tough. PEPPER'S PICK!! This is a tough one, as both fighters are good. Seriously. I'm going to flip a coin and say Gokou.
PEDRO: Out next in 145lbs. action, Ikki Rokusho. This native Japanese man holds a 3-1 record, and prefers to let his hands do the talking. His last fight ended in a loss to Smackmy Bitchup, but Ikki is always a game opponent and definitely a fighter to watch.
PEPPER: His opponent is coming out now, Azrael "Spider" Hunter. The Spider Hunter is also 3-1, but is a bajayjay specialist who claims to have been learning BJJ since he was 5. I didn't know they had BRAZILLIAN jiu jitsu in the Phillipines 20 years ago, but I guess I learned something today. PEPPER'S PICK!! I think Ikki is a spider, and The Spider Hunter is coming with a rolled up newspaper.
PEDRO: Next up is our co-main event and the first of our two title fights tonight. out first is the challenger, Stan "The Man" Johnson. Stan is a wrestler who likes to finish his fights. He's 3-0 and unlike most other wrestling specialists, isn't content to lay and pray then leave it in the hands of the judges. He'll surely look to use his ground and pound to take home the title.
PEPPER: Out now is his oppenent, the Welterweight champion, Kev Embo. What else can I say about Embo that I haven't before? Everyone knows he's one of my favorite fighters, so . . . PEPPER'S PICK!! Embo by submission.
PEDRO: Next is our main event, a showdown for the middleweight championship.Stepping up to the scale is the challenger, a popular fighter here in Valhalla Hilo and someone Hollywood is reportedly looking at for a new film project, Eldroth "The Shredder" Kron. Eldroth is a BJJ specialist who's also branched out his fight game to include good striking ability.
PEPPER: Out next is the champion, Sam Fisher. Some people would describe Fisher's style as methodical. Most, like me, would call it boring as shit! No shock? Guess the FCC agrees with me about Fisher. He's only had one fight to NOT reach a decision and is a dedicated student of the Jon Fitch lay and pray academy. Lay and pray, as I've said before, is when one fighter lays on the other and prays to Jesus, Allah and Buddha that he doesn't get a boner. Still, this style has proven effective, as he is the champion. PEPPER'S PICK!! The smart money says to bet on Fisher, but I'm a gambler so I'm gonna go with The Shredder!!
PEDRO: That's it for tonight, fight fans, we'll see you at the Hard Knocks! Good night!
PEPPER: ASS! -KZZZZZZZZZ-
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