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![]() In today's issue of Showboat Magazine, we get to sit in on an interview with actor-turned-fighter Charlie Sheen who has taken an interest in the mixed martial arts.
Sheen started his career in the MMA promotion known as GFL, racking up a career record of 2-2. When asked about his mediocre tenure in the promotion, Sheen had this to say:
“It wasn't the company owner's fault at all. He didn't have a suitable welterweight division so you pretty much kept fighting the same guys ad infinitum. They kept giving me this guy Nammer Da Hammer because he and I were respectively the baddest dudes in the division. Unfortunately I was new to MMA and couldn't keep up with an experienced vet like Nammer. I beat everyone in that division not named Nammer Da Hammer. And thank god for that because that's one obnoxious name.”
After parting ways with the division due to lack of talent acquirement, Sheen made his kickboxing debut at the widely successful Dynasty K-1 68 event. His opponent was elite Muay Thai striker Herbie Versmellon.
“Once again I find myself being asked to face this elite striking god that was sent down from the heavens for an easy squash match. Little did he know he was fighting a fucking WARLOCK. I hit that man in the head more times than anyone had hit him prior and nobody has hit him that much since. Did I mention that I'm a warlock?”
Indeed, Sheen surprised many with his victory over the kickboxing star. In his next fight, he took on the even more dangerous Ikki Minami. Sheen came up short, suffering the first KO loss of his career.
“You need to understand- I was brought in to lose. When I humiliated Herbie Versmellon I made the entire division look bad. Here you have this elite gorilla in kickboxing trunks and then a little actor that is completely high out of his mind comes in and wipes the floor with him? Come on! So yeah they set up another squash match against another highly regarded opponent. Except this time they wouldn't let me take my “medicine”. I went into the fight unprepared and unaware that I was being set up until it was too late.”
Not everyone sees it this way. Both fighters landed multiple blows flush to the head of the other but Ikki Minami was just too much for the former actor.
“He kicked my ass.” Sheen laughs, “I thought to myself: Okay. I've learned my lesson. Surely they will give me a more even matchup now. They proved that kickboxers are tougher than stoned actors. Fair enough.”
Instead Sheen was paired up with long time kickboxing legend and eventual K-1 welterweight champion Chucky Kahn. The two met at Dynasty K-1 80 in a highly contested match that saw the former actor truly dominated for the first time in his career.
“He pushed me into the clinch and put a beating on me. Rumors circulated backstage that Kahn was unofficially popped for testosterone or some such bullshit but fighters make up stories so who knows? I went into a depression and retired from fighting altogether. After my bid of blowing my former boss to get reincarnated on Two and a Half Men didn't pan out, I took a year off to snort crack off the cracks of every hooker from Imperial Beach to Orange County.”
Charlie has since announced his return to the sport of mixed martial arts. He signed a deal to fight for the Ultimate Pit Fighting organization in Hilo, Hawaii.
“Bitches, man.”
We don't know why he kept muttering that but the recorders caught it anyways. UPF has decided to host a welterweight tournament after the long time champion set sail for more competitive waters. Sheen has opted to participate due to the opportunity for quick fame should he win the tournament.
“Nammer you bastard! I want my rematch!”
We shook him out of his coke fueled insanity to ask him who he expects to face first in the highly anticipated tournament.
“I'm in a tournament? I don't know anything about that. I'm under the impression the division needs to be rid of some guy named Igor Crazy though. He'd have to be crazy to accept the fight with me. No man that came from his mother could ever beat me. I'm a fucking warlock, don't you people listen? I was the highest paid actor on television. I have 99 problems and bitches are ALL of them. Can Igor say that? Can Igor fucking say that? I don't think so. I'm going to smack that face right off that cocky little smirk. I'm going to make him wish he never heard my name. It's time to give Dr. Frankenstein a call 'cause you're about to be out of a job you impish little lab assistant.”
It was at this point in the interview that security arrived and escorted Mr. Sheen from the premises. We apologize if anything he said was out of line as it clearly doesn't reflect our position on any of the individuals mentioned in this article.
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