Cat Fancy Interviews Charlie Sheen pt. 3

Editorial by Marcus Whitman

Cat Fancy 3/29/2013 �Interview with the Sheen pt. 3�

At the request of Charlie Sheen, we have sent Shere Khan to Sheen's private gym in Tokyo for an impromptu interview. The interview in question is in regards to the interview conducted by Charlie's upcoming opponent, Oktawian August at the following location: http://www.mmatycoon.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=33706

Sheen attempted to appear intellectual upon my arrival. I know this because as I walked into the locker room, Sheen looked up and suddenly grabbed a dictionary. He then proceeded to act surprised as I walked in.

Sheen: Oh! I didn't see you coming in. I was just doing a little lite reading. I like to read the dictionary for half an hour each day because it makes me feel... what's the word...
Khan: Educated?

Unfortunately, Sheen grabbed the dictionary hastily and it was upside-down as this brief exchange took place. Sheen led me to a back office which also served part time as a cleaning product supply closet. He referred to this closet as his office yet there was no furniture. As we settled in on the floor, Sheen commented on the heavy fumes coming out of the bleach bottles scattered around the room. They had no caps on them so the smell was overpowering.

Khan: Well, Mr. Sheen, you requested this interview so I would imagine that you have a subject matter in mind?
Sheen: Yes, I do. Recently I got wind of an interview being held by Oktawian August where he made disparaging comments to the media. He talked trash and crossed the line. He made remarks about something which I hold very dear and I wanted to clear the air immediately.

Khan: And that is?
Sheen: I have never been to fucking Columbia. Everyone knows that the drugs are flown into the United States and from there my dealer buys them and sells them to me. Cutting out the middle man is what Walmart does- they run small mom and pop shops out of business by cutting out the middle man. I don't support this atrocious behavior at all and I would like for Mr. August to apologize to Juan. Juan works very hard carrying cocaine to my mansion on his ten speed.

It became abundantly clear that this was going to be �one of those interviews.�

Khan: Right, well, I'm sure Mr. August meant no disrespect to your bicycle riding druggie friends.
Sheen: That's a little disrespectful as well, Mr. Khan. Heh, Khan. Like Star Trek. KAAAHN!

I stared at him with no expression, waiting for him to continue.

Sheen: Well, I mean, Juan prefers to be called a paraphernalia engineer.
Khan: That would be retarded.
Sheen: You agree to call people a lot of things when you're high out of your fucking mind.

Khan: Do you have anything to say back to Oktawian August?
Sheen: To be honest with you, I don't even know what he said really. I just now he said I went to Columbia or some shit. I can afford to have Columbia come to me. Here, tell me some of the shit he said. I'm sure it isn't that bad, though, really. He seemed like a nice kid.

Khan: He implied you spent your retirement �snuffing� cocaine and having fun with prostitutes.
Sheen: Yeah, see? He knows me too well. He's not a mean kid at all.

Khan: He implied you were brave or else very stupid for accepting to fight him as well.
Sheen: I have to fight him to win the welterweight title. Besides it won't be so much a fight as a warlock schooling a kid. To really put a lot of learning experience into one night, I will be helping teach some young paramedics about how to apply stitching to a battered face and likely they will be resetting his broken bones as well. I mean that with love because I plan to go easy on him. My easy mode is still more raw than most people going hard. What else did he say?

Khan: He said he's going to expose your... glass chin... and knock you out.
Sheen: Pffffff.. I mean.. pfffffffffffft. BAHAHAHAHAHA. No he won't. See? He isn't offensive in the least. Next.

Khan: He said your drug dealer is going to be out of work.
Sheen: Oh that two-faced, sniveling little son of a bitch. How dare he bring Juan into this? That does it. I'm going to rain on his parade. After I beat his ass, I'm going to snort lines off his little honey's crescent moon, I'm going to smack his mother, and I'm going to tell his father to wash my truck. I'm going to take out a mortgage on his family home and stop paying it. Gangsters say that, right? No? Okay, let's just stick with the other stuff. Also, when he wakes up post-fight I'm going to knock him out again.

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