2013-07-07
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MMA Universal Presents! An Inside Look At........

Editorial by Jolon Williams

Daarstknasset Oystenteller


Corey - Hello MMA fans! A few days ago, newly formed London based organisation, REVO, tooted the signing of it's 100th fighter after less than a month of being in business. In commemoration, we at MMA Universal took it upon ourselves to interview several of their fighters and in turn, their managers, to see if we could get a glimpse into their mindset. Today, we have with us Daarstknasset Oystenteller, representing the welterweight division in James Dean's camp. Thank you for joining us.

Daarstknasset - You have kept me waiting over an hour to do this interview. I could have spent this hour in training. This time, I will pardon your tardiness, Corey.

Corey - I ... what? The interview was scheduled for noon ..

Daarstknasset - It is a big world, yes? I am sure it is noon somewhere, but it is not noon here in Amsterdam. Regardless, I am quite ready to be interviewed now.

Corey - We're not in ... ahem. Okay, anyway. Let's see ... alright, perhaps we could start off with a little something about you before the success. How did you find your roots in MMA?

Daarstknasset - I came to appreciate fighting during my time in prison.

Corey - In prison? How did you end up there?

Daarstknasset - It is quite simple, really. I was formerly the guitarist of the notorious Scandinavian black metal band, The Black Satans. There were some "interesting" activities going on in Norway inside the black metal scene. To make a long story short, I was convicted of two crimes that I may or may not have committed. These were the arson of a old cathedral, and the impregnation of two nuns at the convent attached to it. As I said, I may or may not have committed these two "incidents." My lawyer has advised me to say as little as possible about this.

Corey - I ... see. Best to not dwell on it then. Uh .. well, you are quite well known in regional competitions, having just won a tournament on the QFC circuit. With a 4-0 undefeated record, you must be fairly confident in your game at this point.

Daarstknasset - I thank you for the compliment, and yes, I am fairly confident in my game. I am no longer able to play guitar, as a result of losing the middle finger of my left hand during an "incident" in prison. I have chosen to hone my fighting skills instead. I try to fight in such a way that emulates the spirit of black metal. As such, I have tried to create a fighting style that is at once shocking and violent, but also very technically sound.

Corey - You seem to favour the mat quite a bit. You even managed to upset an accomplished brown belt, keeping the fight on the mat for practically the whole fifteen minutes and evading all of his submission attempts, despite all odds, and pulling out the decision victory. Now, you yourself being a blue belt, this is quite an accomplishment ... but, it has been brought up that perhaps you might be nothing more than a one trick pony. Do you have a response to this?

Daarstknasset - I take special pride in flattening jiu-jitsu guys like pancakes. Oh -- hold on -- my nutritionist has just arrived with my lunch.......[opens up brown paper bag and uncorks a glass bottle]

Corey - ... I'm probably going to regret asking this, but what is that?

Daarstknasset - Mmmm-hmmmm. There is nothing more satisfying than raw horse on rye with a shot of akvavit to wash it down with. Anyway getting back to my training.....

Corey - Good lord ...

Daarstknasset - I am constantly working to improve my skillset. It is true that wrestling is my base, but you must understand that in prison fighting, we tend to...."wrestle" a lot. Lots of "grounding" and "pounding," to be more specific.

Corey - ... okay, uh. Oh dear. Are we going to be able to publish this? ... what? Keep going? Right ... well, let's see here. Moving on to present matters. You're part of the James Dean camp, but you've yet to have a fight scheduled for you. I assume you're quite eager to get back in to the ring, but has any fighter in particular caught your attention at all?

Daarstknasset - It has been brought to my attention that Jonny Zurp has been running his mouth, claiming that black metal is nothing more than fake theatricality. It is even rumored that he chooses to work out to hip-hop music. This incenses me. So to answer your answer, I am calling out Jonny Zurp. He will learn that I am like a sore pecker -- You cannot beat me!

Daarsknasset - Ahhhh......time for dessert!......

Corey - Not going to ask this time ... uh, Zurp is from the Williams' camp, and thus if you were to face him, you would be doing so at the monthly camp clash. Does this mean we should expect you to remain in training until then, or can we expect to see you in a fight before this?

Daarsknasset - Talking about Zurp is only making me more angry. I now wish to remain in training, so that I can flatten yet another jiu-jitsu guy to the level of my ex-girlfriend's buttocks. By the way, Norwegian is my first language, so I apologize if my idioms sound awkward to native English ears.

Corey - No, no ... it seems like that is one of the things you've got pat down ... so, an obviously .. colourful man such as yourself, what was it that prompted you to sign with REVO?

Daarsknasset - It is out of personal and professional obligation, really. Out of all the possible music the organization could have used for their live events, REVO chose to license music from my former band, The Black Satans. It was then that I knew the organization had integrity and good taste. Can I get a HAIL SATAN?!

Corey - Uh ... I see. Um .. any title aspirations at all?

Daarsknasset - There is no reason to fight if you do not set your sights on becoming champion. However, as I learned during my years in prison, patience is truly a virtue. When the opportunity arrives, I will be ready.

Corey - Yes, of course. That makes sense ...finally. Ahem. Uh, last question, then I think we have a wrap. Who do you see as the man to beat in the welterweight division, in the Williams' camp? Assuming you do eventually have a title fight, it will be with one of their fighters.

Daarsknasset - That is a tough one to call. Although I quite detest some the fighters overall in the Williams camp, there are one or two that I must begrudgingly respect. I suspect...[interrupted by trainer]

Daarsknasset - Oh, it is time for my post-workout sweat time in the sauna. Would you care to join me there, Corey?

Corey - Um .. no, quite alright, thank you. You were going to say something about one or two fighters? ... no? ... okay ...

 

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