This Girl's First Fight

Editorial by Sammi W

 Ok, it’s my first fight.  I’m just a normal girl from the beach.  Most of my kind like surfing and shopping and tanning.  I like to taste blood.  No, I’m not a vampire or some weirdo; I’m now a professional fighter. 

Fight night is here and I’m sweating, my nerves are going crazy, and my stomach hurts.  Ok, I just went to the bathroom and now my stomach doesn’t hurt anymore.  It’s my first MMATycoon fight and I’m stoked.  I don’t want to win by decision or some lame submission.  I want victory by homicide!

All of the fighters are kept in a holding room until it’s time to fight.  As I size up my competition, I feel a little more confident.   A lot of their avatars are ugly and most of their skills are just as useless or feeble as mine.  Maybe I have a shot at this.  Then the clock chimes 6pm and I’m on.  I can’t believe I’m in this situation. 

I’m just a small town girl, living in a lonely world.  I took the midnight train, but it wasn’t going just anywhere, it was going here! 

I walk down the aisle to the sound of my fight song.  Yeah, we got “Bad Blood” and no, we never had mad love.  Oh yeah, we definitely got problems, and believe me, I’m gonna solve ‘em!!  I can see that the 400-seat arena is packed with drunkards and fools and those that are consuming mass quantities of boneless chicken wings.  I’ve hit the big time! 

As I step into the cage, I size up my opponent.  He looks like something that I left in the toilet back in the holding room.  I predict that I won’t even have to get my nails redone after this fight.  We receive the instructions from the ref and then time stops.  I think about how I’m going to soul rape this clown across from me.  Then I hear the “ding ding”.  It’s on. 

The fight goes pretty much as I expected.  I control the action and this guy is putting up zero resistance.   I’m exerting zero energy and even have time to do a little Sudoku so that I won’t be bored.  So, when I actually decide to get going, I let the elbows fly and that’s pretty much it.  I don’t even remember my opponent’s name, but he should change it to Glass Joe.  He’s out.  That was the easiest three minutes I've ever had.  I yawn and then raise my hand in victory.  In front of me, lying on the ground in a mass of tears and blood is this man for whom I have respect.  He stepped in the cage with me and is going to live to tell the tale.  

After the official announcement, I walk back through the dregs of society in the crowd to the locker room where I shower and change clothes.  I’ve just completed my first professional fight.  Now I will go eat some ice cream and watch Pretty Little Liars. 

This is the first thing that I’ve done right.  I’m obsessed with MMATycoon and have made many mistakes that I’ll probably regret in the future.  But for anybody reading this, you too can go from a life of fun in the sun and laziness and suntan lotion to achieving your dreams and becoming a professional fighter.  It takes hard work and dedication and commitment, but most of all, it takes a working mouse.  So, if you’re a convicted felon on house arrest, a 50 year old virgin living with your mom, a homeless person who goes to the library to use the computer, or just a lazy beach girl like me, then you can achieve your dreams and become somebody!  Just believe and all of your dreams will come true…at least on this website. 

This is Madison Bondz saying good luck to all of you out there, unless you’re my opponent, and in that case, I hope that you die.   =)  

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