KaufPunch - Lowblow Lowdown: Nyah Hirst

Fighter profile of Nyah Hirst by

*Scene opens in a studio, on an interview set. There is large screen displaying of a never- before-seen logo, KaufPunch Media Partnership. On each side of the screen sit our trusty correspondents. Chief Analyst Juan Alculo and Reporter Vernita Perkins. Vernita Perkins is looking business-like, as usual, in a crisp plum business suit. Juan Alculo is wearing a formal black suit, white shirt, and a black tie. It’s like he’s going to a dinner party after the show. Alculo is tall and slender, with slicked-back, jet-black hair. He looks like a cross between a (association) football announcer and a retired telenovela star who is late to a meeting. The red light on the camera tells them it’s time to get started*

Vernita Perkins: Good day to you, fans! I’d like to personally welcome you to our first production of the KaufPunch Media Partnership. On this show we will be bringing you in-depth coverage and interviews of up-and-coming fighters. We’re going to be asking the hard questions and if they won’t answer…we will wait patiently, live on air, until the fighter provides the answer. I’m joined today by former Chilean soup opera star and *perplexed* apparently, our Chief Analyst, Jaun Alculo.

Jaun Alculo: Heeeellloooooo spppooortttzzz faaanzzz!! I am soooo excited to bring to you our show: Lowblow Lowdown.

VP: *Looks at Juan displeased* What the..? Lowblow Lowdown, seriously? What asshat at KaufPunch came up with that?

JA: *Clears his throat* Actually, Vernita, it was me. And I think it is quite clever.

VP: *Rolls her eyes* Right.

JA: On this episode of Lowblow Lowdown we are pleased to bring you our first in-depth, live interview. Nyah Hirst is currently the #2 middleweight at Sucker Punch. This Japanese-born fighter is riding an impressive four fight win streak that has him tearing through 185-pounders with thrilling passion and reckless abandon. We will find out what makes this Las Vegas-based 20-year-old tick here, today, right now actually.  

VP: I believe we will be interviewing Mr. Hirst on location. This interview will be brought to you by satellite. Where exactly IS Nyah Hirst right now?

JA: Vernita, I’ll be honest with you *looks closer down at his note cards* I’m not sure. It doesn’t say exactly. Apparently, he is at an undisclosed location deep in the Australian Outback.

VP: Right, I see how it is. I can’t get me a raise and the meatheads at corporate buying satellites to interview some guy in the Outback. But enough about me. Let’s get Nyah up on the screen. 

*Static appears on the big screen where the KaufPunch logo had previously resided. A few seconds later the fuzzy image on the screen begins to sharpen. Nyah Hirst appears. He is surrounded by vast empty space, red dirt, and many bushes. Hirst is adorned in a brown monk’s robe spanning the length of his body and coming to an end just centimeters from the ground. He’s got a crop of spikey blond hair on the top of this head. Nyah looks to be in a suspiciously serene state*

VP: Welcome to the show, Nyah. I’m glad we were able to find you. Where exactly are you anyway?

Nyah Hirst: I'm in the Shrine of the Light. It has guided me here, it guides everything.

VP: *Looks at Juan and then at the camera confused* The shrine of light? Juan, what is he talking about?

NH: You do not see Light. Most cannot. But that is fine. I have been chosen by the Light to be its witness. And the shrine lies deep within the Outback.

VP: Alright, what in the hell are you talking about, Hirst? I see *points to light above her* that light *points to several studio lights* that light and that light. What "Light" are YOU referring to 

NH: Destiny, Future, God, Fate, the Light has been called by many ways

JA: What she is saying, Nyah, is that you are sounding like a craaaaazyy person. Are you high right now?

NH: No, I have no use for drugs. And visions, often appear as madness, until they become the truth.

VP: Alright *rolls her eyes* we 30 seconds in and he talkin about visions. Let's just start this interview. Nyah, my papers say you were born in Tokyo. Tell us about your childhood.

NH: My father was a soldier, stationed at a nearby US army base. My Mother, a whore the soldiers liked to visit. I never learned of my father. My mother had died of overdose before I turned ten

VP: I’m sorry. That is very heavy. What happened to you?

NH: I ended up on the streets. It was there, in an abandoned shrine, I found the Light.

JA: You found the light in the streets of Tokyo? Typical. There are many, many lights there. Green lights, blue lights. Red lights. Lots of red lights.

VP: Can you give the viewers some insight on the moment you found "The Light"? How old were you?

NH: I was twelve. I descended down a stairway deep in the San'ya district.

The place was said to be haunted, but I needed a roof, as the rain season had come.

One thousand dead rats lay beneath the stairs, and as I walked over their carcasses, I found myself in an ancient shrine. Above the broken alter, the Light revealed itself to me. The Light came to guide me.

VP: You weren’t even a teenager then. You found the Light. What happened next?

NH: I scavenged what I could from the streets, stole food from restaurants and stands

I stole what I could, I hid from everyone and everything.

VP: That is a tough life. You really faced adversity essentially, from the moment you came out of your mother. When did martial arts come into the picture?

NH: When the older, bigger kids wanted to take from me what I had stolen. I never had a teacher growing up. But for a time, I hid behind a dojo. I watched them train. I practiced. I learned.

JA: You just learned on your own?

NH: In those years, yes. It was only when I came to Las Vegas I got coaches. Although it is the Light that guides my every move.

JA: The really nerdy fight fans will, of course, want to know. Which dojo in Japan was it? You are a pro fighter now and the world is watching. Care to make them famous?

NH: The place had long since burned down. *Takes a deep breath* Nothing good lasts in San'ya. 

VP: Mysterious. 

JA: What martial art did you pick up from that early training? How does it form your nucleus as a fighter? 

NH: Karate, I believe, but the old style. Designed for actual combat, not sport.

VP: Interesting, so you really started with traditional Karate. What would you say to those who no longer consider traditional martial arts relevant in favor of more modern hybrids like, say, MMA?

JA: Yes yes…do you think the old masters could compete today? There videos of traditional Kung Fu and Karate masters getting embarrassed all over the internet.

NH: Traditional martial arts are focused more on the spirit, on the growth of the fighter as a whole, rather than the pure sport. Would the master of that old dojo be able to compete in MMA? I don’t think so. His favorite move was to jab his fingers into the opponent's eye. Hardly a move suitable for sports. MMA does not attack the groin, the eyes, the throat, or the back of the neck. Not to mention it doesn't use weapons. So, under MMA rules, MMA wins. Obviously, outside of the sport, well, missing an eye is a bit of a problem for most fighters, isn’t it.

JA: *To Vernita* A diplomatic answer.

VP: Ok, let’s move along. You were in Tokyo, how in the world did you end up in Las Vegas of all places?

NH: When I was 15, the Light led me onto a ship on which I smuggled myself to Las Vegas. I hid in a cargo container on a cruise ship. The container's closing was loose, so even though I stayed there for a week, I survived on rain water flowing down by the opening. When I got to Las Vegas, the Light guided my hands through one fight after another until a scout picked me up for MMA.

VP: You spent the entire week-long journey across the Pacific in a storage container. It is incredible that you survived. What was the Light telling during this time?

NH: The Light made sure I survived. The Light wasn’t “telling me” anything. The Light doesn't speak like you or I, it only guides those who are worthy. I knew I was on my way to the future. The Light had chosen for me to leave Tokyo, so I had to, and wherever I was going, destiny was waiting for me

JA: *Interjects* wait wait hold on *looking down at google maps on his phone* Las Vegas is not even connected to water! How did a ship take you there?! Does the Light not know geography?

VP: Shut up Juan, *sarcastically* the light can probably drive!

NH: *Ignoring the interviewers’ comments* The container got loaded onto a truck.

VP: You arrive in Vegas at 15, what happens then? 

NH: First, the Light guided me to its local shrine, and there, I found an old stash of a local gang with the money. I got myself a place to stay and started fighting in amateur fights

VP: With no formal training, you started to compete? Just like that?

NH: The Light had given me all I ever needed. I won, one after another, until a scout of Don Xyel picked me up. 

JA: Ok, I have to ask this question. The viewers will want to know. If “the Light” gives you all you need, then why train now? Why not save on the gym fees?? 

NH: Don Xyel would not suffer me not obeying his rule. He might not see the Light, but he does not suffer disobedience 

JA: Ohhhhh draaaamma, noow you are speaking my language. So it was Don Xyel vs. The Light… 

VP: *Interrupts* …and Xyel won?? 

NH: Won? No. Merely a strategic standoff. The Light cares not of me working for him for as long as he lets me pursue the guidance of the Light. That is why I fight in Sucker Punch. 

JA: Are serving two masters? 

NH: The Don wanted me to sign to a regular 360k org, but I needed to go Australia, where the main shrine of the light lies. That is where I am now 

VP: Great, lets fast forward a little...you started training MMA, had a successful amateur career, did you actually want to go pro?

NH: I cared not, but the progression was natural. One needs challenge to grow 

JA: You became a pro fighter because the Light guided you to Australia?

NH: Yes, I had no good way to get to Australia then to become a pro and sign to an Australian org. 

VP: Sucker Punch is a top org. Were you excited to start your pro career at such a high level? Did you feel pressure at all? 

NH: Pressure, yes, a lot of it. But the Light keeps me calm and focused 

VP: Does winning matter to you? 

NH: In victory lies growth, progress. There is not much in defeat. 

VP: Can sometimes one learn more from a defeat than from a victory? 

JA: *To Vernita* How would he know? He's never lost! 

VP: *To Juan* I was asking him! *motions to Nyah Hirst on the screen* 

NH: My opponents never look like they have learned something from defeat. Other than fear. 

VP: True point there! Speaking of which, let's take a look at your first pro fight against Crisis Smoove 

NH: A low hanging fruit, an easy endeavor.

CLIP ROLLS:

Hirst fakes a head punch and goes low to the body. Nicely done.

The crowd are loving this. Great action here.

KNOCKDOWN

Hirst drops Smoove with a hook right on the temple. He thinks about going to the ground but Smoove looks back up at him and smiles so Hirst waves him back to his feet - he obviously thinks he can knock him out after that shot landed.

HE’S ROCKED

Smoove is rocked!

CUT

It looks like Crisis Smoove has been cut.

Hirst lands a powerful looking uppercut that connected with his opponent's jaw.

Oh Smoove is still all over the place! His legs are completely gone! Will he be able to recover?!!

Smoove seems to have got his legs back now.

KNOCKDOWN

Hirst drops Smoove with a hook right on the temple. He thinks about going to the ground but Smoove looks back up at him and smiles so Hirst waves him back to his feet - he obviously thinks he can knock him out after that shot landed.

Hirst lands an uppercut out of nowhere! Smoove falls backwards - clearly groggy! Hirst dives in and finishes the fight with more strikes for a TKO finish!

VP: So, I take it you were confident ahead of that match? 

NH: The Light guides me, so I have nothing to fear or to be nervous about. 

VP: These are three separate things, one can be nervous and fearful, but still confident...can one not? 

NH: Then I suppose I am confident. 

JA: Was it your plan to just go in there and knock him out like that? 

VP: Smoove did come in with some boxing in his background. 

NH: Pretty much, yes. There is only so many times in a row a fist can meet a face before the face's owner falls. 

VP: Possibly the truest statement in mixed martial arts. 

VP: Now, let’s look at a clip from your second match. You ended it in a similar fashion to the first: 

Hirst circles and sees the opportunity to plant his feet and throw a really nice straight left hand that drops Moker to the canvas! Moker doesn't know where he is but he's trying to survive - Hirst keeps piling on the pressure and forces the referee to step in! This one is aaaaaall over! 

NH: Brendan surprised me. He actually managed to touch me. Didn’t hurt me, but still. 

VP: You've ended all four of your fights with your hands, I'm seeing a pattern emerge. Would say you are a boxer first? 

NH: Karate is close to boxing in a way. A large part of it involves a fist clashing with the opponent's head. 

JA: How do you reconcile the differences? 

NH: The variety of techniques helps. Some punches are strict boxing ones, others old karate style. 

VP: Karate also largely focuses on kicks, no? 

NH: Whatever works, works. Kicks, yes, but I was always more a man of the fist 

JA: The worlds football players would say that the foot is the strongest fist...are they wrong? 

NH: Hitting a ball is a quite different task than hitting the face of the man trying to hit you 

VP: Let's talk about another aspect. So far, none of your fights have gone to the ground. Most traditional marital arts don't involve the ground game much. Is this a weakness your opponents can to exploit?

NH: I have no weakness. Many have tried to take me to the ground, all have failed 

JA: Good point Vernita, there hasn’t been a top contender with only a BJJ white belt since before the 1990s. 

VP: What if you fight a top-notch wrestler? Can your takedown defense really stop all comers? 

NH: I don't see any top wrestlers at the top of my division, do you? 

VP: What is you get matched up with...say Wilferd Ainsworth? 

JA: The Third, Vernita, Wilferd Ainsworth The Third. 

NH: So far, he has made the exactly same number of takedowns and offensive ground moves as I have. 

VP: Certainly, we are not speaking of the past. Your record so far is crystal clear. What if you are matched with such an opponent? What then? 

NH: Then I would knock him out like everyone else. 

VP: And if through sheer luck he manages to take you down?

NH: then he will achieve nothing. Just like against my friend Konrad Wagner. He has been taken down, not too many results.

VP: Arrogance or confidence...we soon shall see.

VP: Of course, it's fair to have some arrogance after that phenomenal finish in your 3rd fight. 

JA: Yes, this one is on everyone’s "best of" high light reels for 2020

VP: Juan, this one is on "best KOs of ALL TIME"

Scruggs backs away from a small jab... but Hirst lunges forward with a huge superman punch! Scruggs crumples to the ground as his mouth piece is sent flying! Hirst with a spectacular finish!

VP: It looks like you timed that superman punch to counter his jab perfectly. Had you watched tape on Scruggs? Was this something you had been drilling or did you just see the opportunity in the moment and take it?

NH: Buster possessed great power, but no wisdom to wield it. He opened himself, he got punched, he went out cold. 

VP: He sure did! Let's take a slight detour now, shall we. I want to ask about your *ahem* personal life. Is there a special lady or man out there? Or is it just “all light all the time” for you?

NH: I have no time for things. The path of Light requires focus, concentration, and a steady heart, no matter how many hookers Don Xyel sends my way.

JA: Oh, how generous!

VP: I see. Sounds like you are incredibly focused *under her breath* and explains why you're so damn uptight. *even more under her breath* Got a damn stick shoved up underneath the back of that robe or something. 

NH: There was someone…Back in the streets of Vegas. I told her not to take drugs. She did not listen. She overdosed.

VP: I take it she did not see the light

NH: No, most cannot see it, but I have been chosen to show them the path.

VP: Is the light some sort of kooky religion or something? Are you like a cult leader?

NH: *Looks directly into the camera* I am like a champion who inspires others by carving the way to the future.

VP: I see. Let's now shift out focus to your next opponent. You are scheduled to fight on October 17th, against a very game opponent. Your toughest, to be sure. Psiris “The Virus” Fuhren. what your thoughts on Fuhren?

NH: Yes, Psiris is older, more experienced, and he has purple hair

VP: Yes, his hair is a particular hue. Fuhren is a skilled striker. Two FOTNs, 1 KO of the Night. Will you stand and bang with him?

NH: Obviously. Such is the path of the Light.

JA: The path of the light is to stand and bang!

VP: Let me ask a question that might put you in some crosshairs. Do you think you have the best Boxing in Sucker Punch at 185? Can you knock out anyone in the division?

NH: I am not certain about the KO. The champion seems to be resilient to that. 

VP: But you feel like you can outbox the champ, if given the opportunity?

NH: Yes. After Psiris, his turn will come.

VP: I'm sure if Wanderson is watching this, he'll take some exception to those words. But before that, you still have to come up with a cure for The Virus.

JA: Or at least a vaccine.

NH: Yes, the man with purple hair likes to think he is not a stepping stone. He will see the error of his way when he lies unconscious inside the cage.

VP: Do you want to say anything directly to your opponent?

NH: No, there is no need for words. The Light has no use for quarrels.

JA: Hey hey *Sees kangaroo in background behind Hirst* Nyah, is that a kangaroo behind you?

*Indeed a kangaroo hops behind Nyah Hurst, oblivious to the interview taking place*

NH: No, you may have had too much to drink

VP: Wow, this man is laser focused. Let me go back to your comment just now. No use for quarrels, interesting words for a prize fighter.

NH: Prize is mostly earned for winning fights. As is the Light's guidance

VP: Would you fight for free?

NH: I would, but Don Xyel would have a thing or two to say about that.

VP: From your mouth to the ears of the corporate heads at Sucker Punch

JA: I hope you don’t have contract negotiations coming up.

NH: *Looks perplexed, breaking his semblance of calm briefly for the first time* Do fighters ever participate in those? The Don does not let me close to any negotiation.

VP: It looks like we've reached the end of our time here. Nyah Hirst, thank you so much for joining us. Is there anything else you would like to say to the fans, or anyone out there before we sign off?

NH: Watch me, and see the greatness of the Light.

VP: The Greatness of the Light. You heard it here first. See for yourself if the Light will stay Lit or will The Virus lay claim to another victim on October 17 at Sucker Pro Series 17! You’d be a damn idiot to miss it. This has been Lowblow Lowdown, a production of KaufPunch Media Partnership. I’m Vernita Perkins with Juan Alculo, till next time.

FADE TO BLACK

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