Edition 1 of the Daily Fail

Editorial by Crazy Horse

8/1/2022

Welcome to the first pop-up edition of your new favourite unsubstantiated source of bullshit - the Daily Fail! We aim to cover current rumours circulating the locality and print it completely unsubstantiated!

Big Pickle making it rain!

Amongst all the rumours of parties in Sucker Punch being funded by Big Pickle, inside sources report that the #1 party animal in all of Tycoon, Parta "Party" Matti, has been subject to backroom envelopes straight from the owner due to the referee/doctor shenanegans of SP 220. To add onto this, the famed "Mr Pickle" himself, Edward Mills, has recently come out of contract and our sources say that his management has LEAKED information about his incoming contracts to interested parties. Let's just say that where-ever he goes, "Mr Pickles" is going to get paid and it's only going to further serve the Big Pickle Agenda.

Big Pharma, Big Pickle, and now Big Parta Party (Big PP for short) all participating in shadowy exchanges of money.

SP HW and past title challenger in legal or addiction trouble?

Further, darker, rumours surround the activities of current SP HW and one-time title challenger, Noah Anderson. He recently came away with a clean KO victory over William Riker at SP 221, but then briefly appeared like he was completely out of contract - instantly attracting interest from competing orgs. This seemed strange to the tycoon world, with handsome passerby Dean "dinoooo" Sutherland quoted asking "did Hare not try to re-sign you?".

The Daily Fail can exclusively reveal that while Anderson has since safely re-signed with SP, for what is rumoured to be a sizeable amount, there were initial reservations about him due to a suspected pickle addiction stemming from his harsh back to back KO losses to Fuentes and then Slam. While this didn't appear to affect his performances given his incredible back and forth win over Andrei Kersikov at SP 205, it's said that this situation may have led to a blackmail and matchfixing scenario.

These claims were further substantiated after a mysterious loss at SP 214 where Anderson put in a lackadaisical effort before the referee and doctors conspired to stop the fight very early in the 2nd round for a cut that was barely bleeding.  A very strange set of controversial events that had many posting on social media with what an upset it happened to be. There were further fears the fix was again in when Noah willingly clinched with dangerous grappler WIlliam Riker at SP 221 when inside sources with his camp claimed he had been instructed to never do that at all. However, as we know Anderson came back to win with a clean KO and perhaps this was the re-assurance SP ownership needed to offer Anderson a new contract. It remains to be seen if the unsubstantiated rumours of Anderson's pickle addiction will have any effect moving forward.

Just what is going on at camp House of 1000 Corpses? Can we trust Hendrik Vermeulen?

Due to advances in teleportation technology in the Tycoon world, any time a jet flies for purposes other than relocation eyebrows are always raised. Imagine this publication's surprise when the House of 1000 Corpses' sole jet was scheduled in for 7 flights between a mixture of their home base of Tokyo, plus Montreal and Sydney. The Daily Fail can exclusively reveal that the passengers booked in for all 7 flights were the same 5, and includes 3 SP fighters including Noah Anderson and #1 Party Animal Parta "Party" Matti. The others include fellow SP fighter Logan Barrengarry, Dynasty MMA 205er Ki "Ai" Ruyjini, and 45 year old veteran Hendrik "The Matchmaker" Vermeulen.

The Air Bondi jet in question.

All five passengers had won fights either today or very recently (with a total of 9 wins coming from the camp in the last couple of days) and are from the same camp, but that's where the similarities end. There are claims from some quarters that perhaps this is an opportunity for suspected pickle addict Noah Anderson to get on a bender away from prying eyes, with questions about Parta "Party" Matti's role in the supply of said pickles. Similar questions have been asked in the past about Barrengarry and Ruyjini who both suffered extremely strange and complete losses of form before seemingly recently turning it around coincidentally at their new camp. But it is the fifth member of this party that raises the most questions, Hendrik Vermeulen.

The now 45yo has been defying his age by remaining elite and competitive in the cage. At one point he was touted as the camp's sharpest hands and still maintains truly elite boxing skills and world class MT and wrestling. Vermeulen gets his moniker "The Matchmaker" from his brief stint in the shortlived Evolution MMA, where he publicly dictated nearly the entire debut card's matchups and got his wishes carried out. Such dodgy dealings merely scrape the surface of what this wiley veteran is capable of, and if claims are to be believed, manager Crazy Horse may be utilising him to undermine top fighters from other camps before 'persuading' them to join House of 1000 Corpses and turn their career around. Barrengarry was the #3 welterweight in the whole universe before mysteriously going on a terrible streak after a rumoured pickle addiction and then now mysteriously seemingly being cured. Ruyjini was one of Camp Chakuriki's top prospects before again going on a form skid correlating with his rumoured pickle addiction, and has ALSO since seemingly turned it around after joining Crazy Horse.

Whatever the case may be, we at this honourable publication hope that the authorities examine all links between manager Crazy Horse, chief kingpin Hendrik Vermeulen, #1 party supplier Parta "Party" Matti, and any other unlucky victims who might see themselves manipulated into torpedoing their own career through pickle addiction only to be oh-so-graciously picked up and saved by House of 1000 Corpses. This turn around in their careers cannot be a coincidence, because as you all know, correlation equals causation when we want it to!

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