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PEDRO: We're back, fight fans, after a brief hiatus when my partner, Pepper Parks, was being treated for all the STD's, all of them at once, at the prestigious Honolulu Clinic for the Destitute. I, myself, was being treated for an unrelated psychological issue. Now, take it away, Pep!
PEPPER: Right you are, Pedro! Ladies, I'm now gonorrhea and chlymidia free, but the trich is still there. That's curable, though! Pedro?
PEDRO: We're back in the world famous Punchbowl Topless Review for the Valhalla: Hilo 13 preview and weigh-ins.
PEPPER: Also, no truth to the rumor that I got the STD's from the strippers here. It was several of them. At once!
PEDRO: Dr. Franklin Stein has the scale set, the fat balding Hawaii athletic commissioner has given the okay and we're under way! First up are heavyweights Bam Bam and Al Westinghouse, who both make the cut. Next in middleweight action, Miska Wuopio and Andy Alliteration get the okay. Middleweight again, Go Tenks and Frank Mir get okay'ed. Completing our middleweight trifecta, Dan Hammer and Trainor Trainer both come in under 185. Ultimate Fighter and Lucky Delight make it for heavyweights.
Now we move on to our main card. Out first in a middleweight match up is James Proudstar. "Warpath" is at an even 1-1, his last fight being a TKo via cut to the now retired Dustin Iverson. James is an all-arounder, and hopes to be able to compete wherever the fight goes.
PEPPER: Now out comes "Maximum Penetration" Dante Kane. I hear they call him that because he thought it sounded sexual. Kane is an all arounder, who's recently shown he's capable of sprawl and brawl fighting, keeping the action on the feet and knocking out opponents. He also needs a haircut. PEPPER'S PICK!!!! I think Proudstar might get a decision.
PEDRO: Out now, representing the Light-Heavyweights, is Enric "Black Diamond" Palazuelos. Enric is a muay thai specialist, and won his pro debut against Liver Punch in just 30 seconds. He'll no doubt look to remain undefeated in his upcoming bout.
PEPPER: Out now is one of my favorite fighters, Jackie "On the Backie" Estacado. He's lost all three of his pro fights and is on a fast track to be the losingest fighter in Valhalla:Hilo history! He's lost all three ways, by KTFO, submission, and a decision from a lay-n-prayer. PEPPER'S PICK!!! Give Jackie the edge in experience, but Black Diamond is likely to impose his will all over the cage.
PEDRO: Out next is one of the most popular guys in the welterweight class, Stan "The Man" Johnson. Johnson is a wrestler, but doesn't seem content to follow the Josh Koshcheck and Jon Fitch school, as this guy definitely finishes fights. He's 2-0, and shows no signs of slowing down.
PEPPER: His opponent tomorrow night is a guy who definitely follows the Jon Fitch school of acting like a wet blanket on an opponent, Kanalu "Cowboy" Jones. Jones won his last two fights by decision, which everyone knows the crowds don't really like. Neither do I, honestly. PEPPER'S PICK!!! These two are pretty even, but I'm gonna say Stan The Man because I want to see some action, not the Ultimate Hugging Championship.
PEDRO: Next up is our co-main event. Jon Snow is wrestling specialist from Winterfell Germany. He's 3-1, and hopes to use his wrestling skills to earn a victory tomorrow night. He's coming off a best of 3 series with Frank Mir, where he managed to gain two victories to Mir's one.
PEPPER: Next up is a guy who I'm sure will be calling for a title shot if he wins, Eldoth "The Shredder" Kron. God, I can't wait for the Ninja Turtles movies to come out on Netflix! Look at Kron, he could play Shredder in a remake! Put the helmet and claws on him and get four guys in rubber suits this instant! PEPPER'S PICK!! I'm going with Kron, and not just because I'm nostalgic for the Turtles.
PEDRO: Next up is our main event of the evening. A welterweight title fight for the undisputed VH Welterweight Championship!! The lights have dimmed, the music has started, the lazer lights are rocking and out comes Brice Bailey. Brice is an all arounder who's won his last four fights since losing his debut. The Dalton native looks to take home his first professional title tomorrow.
PEPPER: Out now is the champ, Kev Embo! Embo gets a good reaction from the crowd, and several photographers snap pics of him walking out with the belt. Embo gets on the scale with the belt still on, making weight even with the gold strap. Kev is a straight up submission specialist, and he and Light Heavyweight champ Renzo DeSilka are pretty much neck and neck for best bajayjay player in VH. I hear they're pretty good friends and grappling partners outside the cage. PEPPER'S PICK!!! Embo's bajayjay is just on another level, he's like a bigger BJ Penn and I don't see how Brice, or almost anyone in the welterweight division, could handle Kev on the mat. Mount, guard, side control, half guard, any position around, Embo can seemingly pull submissions anywhere and sometimes they seem to come out of his ass! I predict a stunning, out of nowhere sub of the night from Embo to end the fight.
PEDRO: We'll see you tomorrow night, fight fans, at Hiyashi's Lounge, where scalpers will doubtlessly be selling tickets for obscene prices for this sold out event!
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