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PEDRO: Hello, fight fans from around the globe, tuning in for our inaugural broadcast on ESPN 8, The Ocho!!! With me as always is my partner in crime, Pepper Parks. Pep?
PEPPER: Fucking A, Pedro. I plan on making the basic cable censors WORK! The scale is set, so let's get this shit started!
PEDRO: Indded, Pep. We're gonna get a ton of FCC fines. First up is 145ers Alak Betatar and Crack Dealer who make weight. Next up, 205ers Levent Kucak and Liver Punch get the nod. Welterweights Mike Mashinko and Sebastien Servia come in on weight. Light heavyweights Jjjj Hhhhh and Messiah Worship get the okay. Heavyweights Pablo Hernandez and Ogustivimus Amavimus easily get the nod. Welterweights JC Pinkstone and Gregg House make 170.
Out firstfight on our main card is a light heavyweight match. Coming to the scale first is Enric "Black Diamond" Palazuelos. This Muay Thai specialist is even in his record, coming off a humiliating loss to Jackie Estacado. He'll look to win and make everyone forget that fight.
PEPPER: And out next, grinning like a sailor who just nailed a prostitute, "Booger Red" Josh Casey. Look at those big ass teeth, Pedro. Even Bugs Bunny would say 'That motherfucker got some big ass teeth!' Josh actually looks happy to be here. PEPPER'S PICK!! I say Black Diamond. He's gotta be pissed.
PEDRO: Next up in welterweight action, Joseph "Baby J" Canas. canas is 1 and 1, and looks to use his BJJ in the fight. The Atlanta GA native hopes to improve his record.
PEPPER: And hoping to kick his ass is Faustine Rod . . . Dafuq does that say? Fuck it, ROD! Rod is also 1 and 1. He won his last fight by armbar, and Canas either won or lost his last fight by armbar. I didn't really pay attention. PEPPER'S PICK!!!! I'm just gonna say to hell with it and say ARMBARS!
PEDRO: Next up is our semi main event. Capua, Scotland's own Marv Gannicus. Marv is a muay thai fighter who's 4 and 1. He won his last fight by KO and doesn't look like he plans to lose.
PEPPER: out now is "Kingslayer" Jamie Lanaster. I know what it says on paper but the nickname first sounds better. Jamie lost his last fight by getting his arm in that thing called a Kimura. Little known fact: Judo , not Jedi, Master Kimura used the hold now synonymous with his name to beat the legendary Helio Gracie in a Vale Tudo match. HISTORY, people!! PEPPER'S PICK!!! Marv. Cause Jamie is a chick's name.
PEDRO: It's time now for our main event!!! This fight might decide the number 1 contender for the light heavyweight championship! The lights have dimmed, the music has gone to 11 and there's even fireworks as out steps "Slammer" Storm Jackson. He's 4 and 1, his only loss being to former champ Roy Jones Jr. Storm makes sure to show off the UFN t-shirt he has on. This former Purdew State University wrestling captain makes the cut!
PEPPER: And out now, in a shocking twist worthy of soap operas, but likely too creative for pro wrestling writers, the opponent, who's also, wait for it, his BROTHER!!!! Wait, they're not brothers? Dafuq they got the same last name for then? That's just confusing and wrong. Now Pepper's just pissed. PEPPER'S PICK. I pick Jackson, cause fuck it.
PEDRO: we'll see you at the fights folks!!!
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