Fuck you chelios PBP Commentary

Undercard bout

Coming up we have a featherweight MMA rules bout between Aleksi Heimo (ranked 3968 p4p, 3335 weight class) and Haislan Garcia (ranked 378 p4p, 331 weight class). Both fighters look fresh as a daisy as they make their way towards the cage.

Heimo
vs
Garcia

169 cm
25
146
5 - 11 - 0

175 cm
36
155
25 - 15 - 2

Good wrestling
World class boxer
Insanely flexible

Good wrestler
World class boxer
Granite chin

Ladies and gentlemen. This fight is 3 rounds, in the featherweight division.
Introducing the fighter to my left, fighting out of the red corner.
With a record of 5 - 11 - 0, fighting out of Las Vegas, Aleksi Heimo!
And introducing the fighter to my right, fighting out of the blue corner.
With a record of 25 - 15 - 2, fighting out of Las Vegas, Haislan Garcia!
The judges for this bout are Chris Edwards, Andrew Berry and James Glass.

The bell rings for round one and we are underway!
Garcia slips a straight right by Heimo.
Heimo avoids a kick to the body.
Heimo swings wildly with a hook that is half blocked by Garcia.
Garcia tries a head kick but it misses.
Heimo throws a body shot but no joy.
Heimo pulls out of a head kick attempt.
Heimo just misses with a punch to the body.
Garcia closes the distance and takes a jab right on the nose as he does so.

Garcia moves into the clinch successfully.
Garcia doesn't land with the attempted body shot.
Heimo tried to land a shot to the body but connects with Garcia's elbow.
Garcia lands an uppercut.
Garcia lands an uppercut.
Heimo is trying to work out of this bad position, with his back against the cage.
An uppercut on the inside fails to land for Garcia.
Garcia lands a shoulder strike.
The fans in attendance giving it up for the two fighters, who have really let it all hang out in the last minute or so!
Heimo lands a short shot on the inside that snaps the head of Garcia backwards.
Heimo blocks an uppercut.

Heimo breaks from the clinch.
A decent looking cross lands there for Heimo.
Heimo throws a hook to the body but it doesn't connect.

That's one minute gone in the round.
Garcia lands with a good body shot.
Garcia scores with a jab to the jaw.
A head kick misses from Heimo.
Heimo lands a straight punch to the body, keeping Garcia at a distance.
Heimo tries a switch kick but it misses it's target.
Garcia stumbles momentarily as he takes a strong leg kick from Heimo.
Heimo delivers a nice body kick.
Heimo takes a hook to the side of the head. I wonder if that's got his ears ringing.
Garcia wants to land a leg kick but Heimo is out of range.
Heimo throws a lazy right hand but Garcia sees it coming a mile off and sidesteps it easily.
Heimo keeping at a good range here, avoiding a leg kick.
Garcia blocks a jab.
Heimo throws a head kick that misses and slips in the process. He scrambles back to his feet and the fighters circle.
Garcia scores with the left hand. Heimo knows he should have avoided that one.
The crowd cheering loudly, showing their appreciation for the quality fight we're seeing here.
Heimo thows a left - swing and a miss!
Heimo checks the leg kick.
Heimo throws a half hearted mid kick.
Heimo throws a head kick that misses and slips in the process. He scrambles back to his feet and the fighters circle.
Garcia connects with a solid leg kick.
Aleksi Heimo seems to be the more aggressive standup fighter in this bout.

That's two minutes gone in the round.
Garcia works the jab nicely.
Garcia with a nice calf kick.

Garcia gets in close and instigates a clinch.
Heimo is trying to break free.

Heimo manages to break the clinch.
Heimo misses the shot to the body.
Heimo looks to throw the jab but Garcia is out of range.
Heimo misses with a body shot. Nice footwork from Garcia.
Heimo throws a hook but Garcia blocks it.
Garcia cracks Heimo with a hook to the jaw. Both fighters smile at eachother and high-five before getting back down to business.

Heimo is rocked!
Garcia drops Heimo with a naaaaasty hook - Heimo is in real trouble here! Garcia dives in to side control and pounds out his opponent for a TKO victory! The crowd goes nuts!

Ladies and gentlemen, after 2:40 of round 1, we have a winner by way of TKO (Strikes). Haislan Garcia!
A victorious Haislan Garcia thanked his army of followers in his post fight interview, telling people to make sure they follow him on Twitter.

C
A

C
B

energy
A | B

hype
A | B

pop
A | B

mgr
A | B

FIGHT
RATING
64%

Co-main event

Coming up we have a middleweight MMA rules bout between Gene Parmesan (ranked 1066 p4p, 1484 weight class) and Bob Vendarra (ranked 150 p4p, 202 weight class). Vendarra has chosen Metallica - Of Wolf And Man as his entrance music. Gene Parmesan has the better chin. Will he look to stand and bang today?

Parmesan
vs
Vendarra

190 cm
33
190
17 - 10 - 0

198 cm
36
189
15 - 11 - 0

Good wrestling
Excellent boxer
Insanely flexible

Good wrestler
World class boxer
Good gas tank

Ma Balls Is Hot Clothing

Ladies and gentlemen. This fight is 3 rounds, in the middleweight division.
Introducing the fighter to my left, fighting out of the red corner.
With a record of 17 - 10 - 0, fighting out of Montreal, Gene Parmesan!
And introducing the fighter to my right, fighting out of the blue corner.
With a record of 15 - 11 - 0, fighting out of Amsterdam, Bob Vendarra!
The judges for this bout are William Gold, Chris Edwards and James Atkins.

The bell rings for round one and we are underway!

Parmesan instigates a clinch.
Vendarra tries to break the clinch but Parmesan is controlling the position.
Vendarra is trying to break the clinch but Parmesan has him pressed against the cage.

Vendarra breaks the clinch and we're back to striking at distance.
Parmesan misses with a body shot
and Vendarra counters with a straight right hand.
Parmesan's jab looks to have found its range, popping Vendarra under the eye.
A jab from Vendarra does it's job there.
Vendarra walks straight into a jab right on the nose. That one stung - he's blinking and trying to clear his head.
Vendarra slips under a jab.
Vendarra throws a good cross that connects.
Parmesan throws a leg kick that misses.
Parmesan wants to clinch.

That's one minute gone in the round.
Decent striking displayed by Parmesan there.
Parmesan scores with a crisp jab that stopped Vendarra in his tracks.
Parmesan dips to his left and cracks Vendarra with an uppercut!
Parmesan fakes a jab and then connects with a hook.
Vendarra thows a left - swing and a miss!
Parmesan throws a half hearted mid kick.
Vendarra doesn't react quick enough there as he takes a shot to the body.
Vendarra throws a monster uppercut resembling something out of street fighter but it doesn't land.
A telegraphed right hand from Parmesan misses the target.
A little jabbing left from Vendarra on the counter but it doesn't find it's target.

That's two minutes gone in the round.
A nice inside leg kick there by Parmesan. That's going to slow Vendarra down.
We can't be sure of the tactics at this early stage but we have heard that Vendarra has been working on his takedowns a lot in the buildup to the fight and we can only assume he's going to look to take this to the mat.
Vendarra checks a leg kick.

Parmesan closes the distance and looks for a trip takedown... aaaand he's got it - Parmesan lands in his opponent's guard.
This has been an exciting period of action!
Vendarra wants to get back to his feet but Parmesan is in a dominant position and won't allow it.
Hammerfist, elbow! yells Parmesan's corner. There ya go! There ya go!
Vendarra is looking to stand up but Parmesan isn't so interested in that idea.
Vendarra not looking particularly offensive just at the moment.
Parmesan won't allow Vendarra to sweep him here.
Vendarra wants to stand up but Parmesan is controlling him.

That's three minutes gone in the round.
Parmesan chips away with some ground and pound.

Vendarra has an omoplata and is looking to use it perhaps as a submission or perhaps to transition. Parmesan is in a bit of discomfort here, but he's managed to free himself and has dived into side control! That didn't work out too well for Vendarra.
Parmesan creates a bit of distance and throws down some hard shots.
Parmesan looks up at the clock and then as Vendarra takes his cue and looks up at the clock too, Parmesan smacks him right in the chops with a big elbow! How rude!
Vendarra gets back to half guard.
Vendarra is looking for a sweep. Parmesan is wise to his cunning plan and keeps the top position.
Vendarra trying to hold on to Parmesan's head to control him but Parmesan postures up.

Parmesan is looking for a kimura but he's never going to get it from there.

Parmesan is trying to work for a kimura. This could be trouble! No, Vendarra has managed to free his arm - good work.

That's four minutes gone in the round.
Parmesan seems to be taking a bit of a break to think of his next move. He lands a short punch in the meantime.
Vendarra gets back to full guard.
Vendarra is trying to stand up but he's not managed so far.
Parmesan trying to control the position from guard on top but Vendarra is wriggling around, looking for whatever he can.
Vendarra is a painfully thin specimen of a man. You do wonder whether a good body kick would snap him clean in two.
Parmesan working some strikes from top position.
Vendarra utilising some decent striking defenses from the guard, preventing the ground and pound.
Vendarra is looking to get back to his feet but can't, whilst Parmesan is controlling him.
Vendarra pulls Parmesan in close to his closed guard and prevents Parmesan from doing any damage or advancing position.
Parmesan won't allow Vendarra to get back to his feet.
And that is the end of the round. The fighters go back to their corners.

Gene Parmesan dominated that round.
OK. That's time! The bell goes and we're back to the action.

Parmesan turns his hip over beautifully as he lands a nice leg kick.
Parmesan throws a lazy uppercut
and Vendarra connects with a straight left hand counter down the middle.
Vendarra has used his reach advantage pretty well so far tonight.

Parmesan shoots in and bounces Vendarra off the cage to secure the takedown into guard.
Parmesan has been looking to land a fair amount of strikes on the ground. He might be looking to soften his opponent up in order to work for a submission.
Parmesan scoring with punches to the head and body.
The ref warns both fighters not to hold the cage as they work up against the meshing.
Vendarra utilising some decent striking defenses from the guard, preventing the ground and pound.
Vendarra is trying to stand up but he's not managed so far.
Vendarra not looking particularly offensive just at the moment.
We've had a slow start to the round here - hopefully the action picks up.
Vendarra is looking to get back to his feet but can't, whilst Parmesan is controlling him.
Parmesan landing with the ground and pound.
Parmesan is standing up over Vendarra. Vendarra looks to escape but Parmesan dives into side control.

That's one minute gone in the round.
Parmesan creates a bit of distance and throws down some hard shots.
Parmesan working the head and body with strikes.
Parmesan working the body and head with strikes.

Vendarra is rocked!
A big shot lands for Parmesan! That's hurt Vendarra! Will he recover? Parmesan fires away with more strikes and the referee has to step in to stop the fight!

Ladies and gentlemen, after 1:35 of round 2, we have a winner by way of TKO (Strikes). Gene Parmesan!
A very excited looking Gene Parmesan made sure he remembered to thank all the fans both in the arena and on the internet. He said all the coolest people spend all day on MMA websites, which got a big reaction.

C
A

C
B

energy
A | B

hype
A | B

pop
A | B

mgr
A | B

FIGHT
RATING
44%

Main event

Coming up we have a super heavyweight MMA rules bout between Segundo Alejandro Garcia (ranked 4558 p4p, 4373 weight class) and Primo Alejandro Garcia (ranked 70 p4p, 67 weight class). Segundo Alejandro Garcia has the edge in experience - let's see if he can make that count tonight.

Garcia
vs
Garcia

188 cm
18
175
0 - 1 - 0

184 cm
18
180
0 - 0 - 0

Good wrestling
Good kicks
Good chin

Good wrestler
Good kicks
Determined

HELLBENT

Ladies and gentlemen. This fight is 1 rounds, in the super heavyweight division.
Introducing the fighter to my left, fighting out of the red corner.
With a record of 0 - 1 - 0, fighting out of Las Vegas, Segundo Alejandro Garcia!
And introducing the fighter to my right, fighting out of the blue corner.
With a record of 0 - 0 - 0, fighting out of Las Vegas, Primo Alejandro Garcia!
The judges for this bout are Phil Schofield, Chris Edwards and Richard Clark.

The bell rings for round one and we are underway!
Both fighters are only really looking to counter, so after a good 30 seconds of circling each other endlessly, the referee has stepped in and told them both to be more aggressive.
Segundo Alejandro Garcia swings and misses with a hook to the body.
And an attempted straight right on the counter from Primo Alejandro Garcia! But no joy.
We've had a slow start to the round here - hopefully the action picks up.
Primo Alejandro Garcia throws a hook to the body but it doesn't connect.
A quick step to the side and Segundo Alejandro Garcia tries to counter with a shot to the body but it doesn't connect.
Segundo Alejandro Garcia waving his hands out in front of him, looking to distract Primo Alejandro Garcia.
Primo Alejandro Garcia looks like he wants to counter punch here.

That's one minute gone in the round.
Segundo Alejandro Garcia throws a hook to the body but it doesn't connect.
Primo Alejandro Garcia drops down looking to force a counter takedown but Segundo Alejandro Garcia defends it well.
Primo Alejandro Garcia rushes in with a sloppy looking punch
and Segundo Alejandro Garcia counters with a nice body shot.
Primo Alejandro Garcia misses with a straight right.
A little feinted left hand from Segundo Alejandro Garcia on the counter but he doesn't commit to it.
A swing and a miss from Primo Alejandro Garcia.
Segundo Alejandro Garcia half commits to a counter takedown before pushing away, out of range.

That's two minutes gone in the round.
A lull in the action here being met with boos from the crowd.
A looping hook to the body misses from Segundo Alejandro Garcia. Primo Alejandro Garcia does a little dance to reset his feet.
Primo Alejandro Garcia steps in looking to clinch after the strikes miss from Segundo Alejandro Garcia.
Primo Alejandro Garcia throws an ugly left hook that misses
and Primo Alejandro Garcia takes a counter punch right on the button for his troubles.
Segundo Alejandro Garcia jabbing away but nothing is landing.
Primo Alejandro Garcia now looks to counter with a shot at the body.
Boooooooooooooooooooo!!! God, this has been a terrible round. Come on you two, sort yourselves out!
Segundo Alejandro Garcia throws out a loose jab but Primo Alejandro Garcia uses good head movement to avoid it.
Primo Alejandro Garcia is definitely looking for the counter takedowns here.

And that's the end of the fight!
Segundo Alejandro Garcia showed his dominance in that final round.
Well Segundo Alejandro Garcia has outscored his opponent in every aspect of the fight today. Only a scarily incompetent judge or two will keep him from a well deserved win... Over to the ring announcer for the scorecards.

Ladies and gentlemen, after 1 round of action, we go to the scorecards for a decision.
Judge Phil Schofield scores the fight 10:9
Judge Chris Edwards scores the fight 10:9
Judge Richard Clark scores the fight 10:9

In favor of your winner, by unanimous decision... Segundo Alejandro Garcia!
A relieved looking Segundo Alejandro Garcia thanked the fans for their support and gave the usual line about them being amazing. They seemed to believe that he actually meant it.