PBP Commentary

Coming up we have a heavyweight MMA rules bout between Eeazy Ee (ranked 0 p4p, 0 weight class) and Jupiters Cock (ranked 0 p4p, 0 weight class). I'm sure you'll be fascinated to know that I was talking to some pointless Z list celebrity before the fight and he thought that Jupiters Cock was going to win. Let's see if he was right.

Ee
vs
Cock

195 cm
25
265 lbs
6 - 0 - 0

225 cm
26
275 lbs
6 - 1 - 0

BJJ White Belt
Excellent MT
Granite chin

Good wrestler
Counter fighter
Granite chin

Ladies and gentlemen. This fight is 5 rounds, for the heavyweight championship of the world!
Introducing the champion to my left, fighting out of the red corner.
With a record of 6 - 0 - 0, fighting out of The Island, Eeazy Ee!
And introducing the challenger to my right, fighting out of the blue corner.
With a record of 6 - 1 - 0, fighting out of The Island, Jupiters Cock!
The judges for this bout are Santiago Holmes, Sandra Marshall and Michael Johnstone.

The bell rings for round one and we are underway!
A shot to the body from Ee misses
and Cock counters with a nice body shot.
Eeazy Ee seems to be the more aggressive standup fighter in this bout.
Ee ducks under an overhand right and circles away with a smile on his face.
Ee takes a shot right to the liver - Bas would have been proud of that punch.
Ee looks to throw the jab but Cock is out of range.
Cock throws an uppercut from half a mile away. Ee sees it coming and avoids it easily.
Ee keeps his opponent at a distance with a nice jab.
Ee keeping a good distance there, avoiding the body shot.
Ee definitely looks more muscular than last time we saw him fight.
Ee swings away but doesn't land with a series of punches.
Ee tries a head kick but it misses.
Ee throws a decent looking leg kick but it doesn't land clean.
Cock has done a lot of speed work in the buildup to this fight.
Cock blocks a head kick by Ee.
The crowd are loving this. Great action here.
Ee on the wrong end of a nice hook.

It looks like Eeazy Ee has been cut.
Ee throws an overhand right that lands on Cock's shoulder, as Cock tries to avoid the shot.
A chopping leg kick lands by Ee.

That's one minute gone in the round.
Cock checks a leg kick nicely.
Cock misses with a jab and misses with a cross straight after too.
A nice leg kick lands there from Ee.
Ee finds nothing but air with that leg kick attempt.
Ee takes a swing at Cock's ribcage but misses.
Ee throws a leg kick that misses.
Cock avoids the head kick by Ee.
Ee is the aggressor but that punch slipped nicely by Cock.
Ee misses with a half-hearted attempt at a head kick.
Ee misses with an uppercut.
Ee misses with a body punch

and Cock counters by moving into the clinch. Good anticipation by Cock.
Cock has Ee pressed against the cage, preventing Ee from circling away and getting back to striking at range.
Cock is a painfully thin specimen of a man. You do wonder whether a good body kick would snap him clean in two.
Cock lands with a light punch inside.

That's two minutes gone in the round.
Cock lands a nice uppercut.
Cock lands a hook to the side of the head.
Cock digs a right hand underneath Ee's ribcage. Ee let out a lung full of air as it connected.
We've seen a great period of action over the last minute or so - credit to both fighters for going all out!
Cock scores with a hook to the body.
Ee is breathing heavily.
A right handed body shot lands from Cock.
Cock lands a nice looking hook to the body, against the cage.
A short right from Cock.
Cock stays in close to his opponent and throws a right hand to the body.
Cock lands a hook that snaps the head of Ee backwards.
Cock lands a body punch.
A short left from Cock.
Cock softening up his opponent with strikes, against the cage.
Cock cracks Ee with a nice body shot.
Cock lands a shoulder strike.
Cock lands with a quick shot inside that doesn't really do much damage.
Cock lands a body shot in the clinch.
Cock lands a body punch - he's looking to wear down Ee.
Cock digs a right hand into Ee's ribs. Those have got to be taking their toll on Ee's gas tank.
A right hook to the body lands for Cock.

That's three minutes gone in the round.
Cock lands a nice shot to the body.
Still in the clinch, Cock scores with a nice short uppercut.
Cock lands a right hand that snaps the head of Ee backwards.
Cock lands with a quick shot inside that doesn't really do much damage.
Nice body punch from Cock.
Cock lands a shot to the body.
Wooooo! Give it up for these two warriors! They are putting on a show!
Cock scores with a hook to the body.
Cock stalling the fight.
Cock lands a shoulder strike that jolts his opponent's head backwards.
Cock scores with a hook to the body.
The referee calls for Cock to work.
Nice body punch from Cock.
Cock presses Ee against the cage and delivers a mid-strength body shot.
Cock is pushing Ee up against the cage, for a bit of lean and pray action. Action being used the in the loosest possible sense of the word.
Cock lands with a quick shot inside that doesn't really do much damage.
Ee takes a shot to the head.

That's four minutes gone in the round.
Cock lands a right uppercut that snaps the head of Ee backwards.
Cock lands an uppercut.
Cock scores with a hook to the body.
Cock lands on the inside with an uppercut.
Cock presses Ee against the cage and delivers a mid-strength body shot.
Cock lands a nice looking hook to the body, against the cage.
A short body shot lands from Cock as the two fighters clinch.
A body shot lands from Cock.
With the fighters clinched against the cage, Cock creates a bit of distance for himself and scores with a nice uppercut.
Cock lands a left hand.

Eeazy Ee's cut is getting worse.
Cock lands a nice shot to the body.
A short right hand to the side of the head by Cock.

Ee is rocked!
Cock stays in close to his opponent and throws a right hand to the body.
Oh Ee is still all over the place! His legs are completely gone! Will he be able to recover?!!
Cock creates a bit of space for himself and rocks Ee with a big uppercut! Ee tries to clinch up but Cock pushes him back against the cage and lands another monster strike that crumples Ee to the mat! Ee covers up and Cock unloads with more strikes until the referee steps in to end the bout!

Ladies and gentlemen, after 4:49 of round 1, we have a winner by way of TKO (Punches). Jupiters Cock!
Jupiters Cock is the new heavyweight champion!