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2012-08-17 Price: Free Edition: # Previous Issues Submit Article |
 Tycoon Times - The World's Premier Weekly Mixed Martial Arts Newspaper |
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Stranger then fictionJust Fight (Everything 8$), Nutrition Company, Las VegasHello world wide world of MMA (Tycoon). This is Gabriel Bellani, the Italian Stallion of MMA-reporting. I'm here in warehouse in Las Vegas, which is the company headquaters and oulet store of Just Fight, a new clothing company brought to you by the lights of John Footpenis Promotions. The Amarillo,TX native has tried to make a splash ever since he moved to Vegas. He's best known for being the "Joe Silva" of the HWP-Amateur-Open-Weight-Devision-Initiative otherwise known as HAOWDI and now he's the chief designer and owner of Just Fight. I highly recommend checking it out, they have some decent gear for sale.
I had a little sit-down with the man himself in his office (which is a trailer parked in the warehouse) to talk about the new clothing company:
Gabriel: "What brought you to open a clothing company? You have your Job at HWP and the fighters you promote, why did venture into new territories?"
John: "I was sitting under a tree and suddenly an apple struck me. I looked up and a gang of racoons proceeded to rain down on me like paratroopers at operation market garden. While I was fighting them off with hands and feet I knew I had to open a clothing company. While I was recovering from the severe rabbies infection, I had more then enough time to figure out all the details. First I had to get my lawyer invested into the idea: He was soon on board (after I had looked him into a racoon cage at the Zoo for a night)."
Gabriel: "Interesting! So what are you trying to accomplish with your company?"
John: "Well... Our most important goal is to take over the world. In other fields of interest we wanna get the word out, create some hype, sponsor some noobs, veterans and champs, maybe make a little a money and hurl gear at everyone who doesn't duck and run instantly."
Gabriel: "I heard from one of your dodgy employees that your gear has some secret manufactioring process that makes it superior to other gear. Would you tell what this is about?"
John: "Yes of course: We at Just Fight believe that the manliness of the fighter soaks into the gear and the other way around. So we ensure that our gear comes already pre-soaked with manliness. We experimented on having them preworn by crabfisherman, cowboys, rodeo-riders, Ted Nugent and toreros, but all these methods proved expensive and inconsistent. But through rigorous research by the worlds leading manlyness experts we came up with the perfect process: All our products are garanteed to have been wrapped around a fighting-bulls nads for at least 24 hours. We build the biggest fighting-bull-farm in North-America for that, where we raise those bulls to serve only this specific purpose."
Gabriel: "Eeww... Gross! I think I'm gonna be sick! Who is putting the shirts and shorts on the bulls Mighty Moes?"
John: "I use this as a training regiment for my fighters: One is taking the bull by horns (usually a heavyweight) and then anotherone rushes under the bull and attaches the gear the bull. As soon as he's out it's run like hell for everyone involved. If that doesn't work we have some college kids do it with an remotely operated drone."
Gabriel: "With all respects: Did anybody ever call you completely and utterly insane?"
John: "Yes, of course they did. My wife actually tried to have me declared incompetent."
Gabriel: "And what did you do?"
John: "I had her declared incompetent and commited her into an asylum in Mexico."
Gabriel: "Thank you for the interview! And I apprechiate that you didn't pull a gun on me like last time!"
John: "The courts unfortunatly won't allow me to do that anymore! You know that"
Gabriel: "I hope we can do that again!"
John: "Anytime!"
This concluded my interview with one of the weirdest individuals in the already strange world of MMA-entrepreneurship. Everything else he said I can not possibly publish. It would cause outrage from religious and conservative groups all over the country, alienate Europe, cause riots in the middle east and provoke a nuclear attack from North-Korea. So I will not repeat it here. I'm furthermore legally bound to give you the following two disclamers:
1. John Footpenis is the most wonderful and pleasant human being and the manager to the stars.
2. Buy Just Fight - The only gear saturated with the manlyness of real fighting-bulls - Just Fight.
3. No bulls, wifes, religious and conservative groups, europeans, middle eastern people or north-koreans have been hurt while the interview was conducted.
This it from me, Gabriel Bellani, the Italian Stallion of MMA-reporting.
Good Night World of MMA (Tycoon)! Enjoy the fights!
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