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A Valentine's Day Story
February 14th, 10:47AM
… and as he watched the couple embrace underneath the soft glare of the street lamps, Cupid knew that his arrow had struck true.
The old man leans back in his rocker chair, closing the book on his lap. The End
Wow Grandpa, says one of the two children sitting in front of him, is that story true?
Of course it is, silly, replies the other. That’s how Grandma and Grandpa fell in love.
Pffft, booorrrinnggg. I’m talking major zzz’s Grandpa, mocked a man coming out of the shadows.
Who goes there? Step out where I can see you.
Hi, I’m Punch McDermott, world-class MMA Tycoon fighter, Carnage spokesperson, and part-time Courtois d’amour. Do you kids want to hear another story?
Yaaayyyy, they yell in unison.
Okay then. Open your ears and steel your heart because this is a true Valentine’s story. He pushes the old man with his foot, motioning him to the floor. Move it Grandpa.
But that’s my chair …
Let me get glasses and my book out and we’ll start.
That looks like a parking ticket, the old man says.
Once upon a time, Punch begins …
… in an enchanted kingdom far, far away, a young couple walks along the river’s edge. Their fingers are entwined and their faces are warmed by the late-summer’s sun and young love.
That’s so romantic, one of the children sighs.
The young man leads her to a bench, which he first cleans off, and he motions her to sit. She does, eagerly looking up into his handsome face with adoration.
Our love, he begins, is like this river. It flows strong and steady, day after day, never ceasing, growing bigger as it cuts through this fertile land …
Sounds like a sexual metaphor to me, pal. A third person, a man judging from the scruffy beard and deep voice, has joined them by the river.
I beg pardon, asked the young man.
You may, but it probably won’t matter.
Where are your pants, asked the young lady.
They chafe. Now my little youngsters, you may be wondering why I’m accompanying you on such a fine day. I am here …
You have festering wounds, sir, said the young man.
… to strike with an arrow. An arrow which will fill you with such uncontrollable desire …
You have blood on your lip as well, said the young lady.
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Do you want love to conquer all or do you want to sit there and talk about my physique all day?
Am I to understand that you are Cupid?
Clearly. Now stand still. I’ll just pull this string back and let fly. Steady now.
TWANG
A blood-curdling scream erupts as the young man’s head disappears in a shower of blood and bits.
Cupid lowers his bow. Oh-oh.
Wendylin! Oh dear god in heaven, what you have done to my love?
Oh my.
Call for help, please. Please! Oh my sweet, sweet Wendylin. Stay with me my darling.
Part of him is lying over there.
CPR. I must do CPR. She begins to do chest compressions. ‘Stayin alive, stayin alive. Ah, ha, ha, ha, stayin' alive, stayin' alive’.
He has no head. You’re just squirting blood from his neck.
Noooooooooo.
Punch takes off his reading glasses, folds his “book” and looks at the children. The End
One child is sobbing uncontrollably; the other is holding its knees against its chest and rocking back and forth, muttering incoherently.
And that, children, is the true meaning of Valentine’s Day. Some people will tell you that Valentine’s Day is about love and harmony, but did you know it evolved from martyrdom and Carnage? Punch stands from the rocking chair and faces the camera.
Yeeessss ladies and gentlemen, Carnage. A new clothing company out of Las Vegas, Nevada, owned and operated by Dead Disney and approved by thousands. It’s the best clothing at affordable prices, but more importantly for you, it’s a philosophy. Are you going to dance through life, conforming to ideas that someone else made up for you? Are you willing to break with the status quo and be a better you? Where there’s conflict and chaos, there’s Carnage, and where there’s Carnage, there’s change. Change for the better, join the movement. And as a special Valentine's Day gift to motivate you, the first five fighters to message Dead Disney and mention this advertisement will receive an amazing $50,000 Carnage sponsorship. One fighter per manager, act now!
Offscreen. And cut. That's a wrap.
Well, what did you think, Pops? Do you think the message will get through to them?
Are you mad? You break into my house, traumatize my grandchildren? And for what, a-a-a damn commercial!
Not just a commercial, old man, a message. There's disorder coming and we're starting from the ground up. Listen to the message, learn the lesson.
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