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Episode IV: Fireproof
Thursday March 4th – 1:36PM
In a poorly lit backroom of a small, two-bedroom apartment in the Showboat region of Las Vegas, a balding middle-aged man is doing what he does best; sitting in front of the television watching his shows. Tonight is Gold Rush and yeah they may be re-runs, but he watches for the same reason hundreds of thousands of folks migrated to the Klondike to begin with. The rush. Who knows where the next big goldfield was? Would the next pan reveal the huge placer deposit? And if he was being honest with himself, wasn’t part of the interest seeing the disappointment in these idiot’s faces when they found nothing at all? Ah yes, there was more than a little bit of truth in that there nugget wasn’t there?
His belly hangs over a pair of well-worn and dirty grey sweatpants, a feature he jokingly tells his wife – sorry, ex-wife – is all baby fat. The only exercise he gets these days is pushing his recliner up and down or changing the channels with the remote. He’s a slob (we’re still being honest here aren’t we?), unemployed and his best days are on the horizon in the rear-view mirror.
From the TV - We’ll be back after these important messages …
Goddamnit!
The camera pans to a couple sitting on a couch. The man has his feet up on the coffee table in front of them, one arm around the woman who is nestled closely against his chest, casually tossing popcorn into her mouth. The man stretches and yawns, biceps and forearms bulging noticeably.
Wow, honey you look great. Have you been working out?
He laughs. Twice a day, six days a week. You don’t get to look this good by watching TV and eating cheesies.
The man wipes his cheesie fingers on his sweatpants. Sonofabitch.
The woman rubs the man’s chest, purring playfully. You’re so hot. She pulls her hand back quickly, concern spreading over her face. Baby, you’re burning up, you’re on fire!
The man laughs deeply, holding up his hands, mockingly warding off her compliments. Oh you.
No seriously, babe, you’re on fire!
The man turns his head and notices flames shooting up from his sleeve. To the woman’s surprise, he laughs again, casually patting the flames until they die out. Don’t worry, baby, this is Carnage Clothing.
Carnage?
Ya, Carnage Clothing. Just opened right here in Las Vegas, you should check them out. Not only do they have great prices and loads of selections, but they’re made from the best non-flammable material in the world. Watch. He flicks the BBQ lighter and puts the flame to his sleeve. It sparks, catches, and he pats it dead. See?
That’s amazing. What’s that name again?
Carnage Clothing.
A man appears from behind the couch behind the couple. Hi, I’m Punch McDermott, world-class MMA Tycoon fighter, Carnage spokesperson, and part-time volunteer firefighter. Carnage is not just another fly-by-night clothing company offering you flashy designs and gimmicky slogans. Carnage is a lifestyle. It’s like the pin in this hand grenade …
The couple on the couch jump up and back away towards the door. A natural reaction to a violent situation. Woa, woa, woa, what the hell, man? Settle down!
… leave it in and all you have is a funny looking rock. But pull it out and what do you get? Beautiful and instantaneous Carnage. You! Fat ass on the recliner.
M-Me?
Yes you. Making excuses for what you’ve become?
What? No, I …
Longing for better days? Looking for change?
I guess …
Be the change, fat man. All you have to do is pull the pin.
I can do that!
Yes you can, fat man, yes you can. Be a better you, be Carnage.
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