2021-03-18
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Episode V: My Huckleberry Friend, Katharine … no wait, Aud

Carnage Clothing , Nutrition Company, Las Vegas
Company profile by John L Sullivan

 

 

Episode V: My Huckleberry Friend, Katharine … no wait, Audrey Hepburn

 

Friday March 12th – 12:40PM    

 

It’s a well known fact that Katharine and Audrey Hepburn, though they share an uncommon last name, are, in fact, unrelated. Two of the greatest actresses in the history of cinema from opposite sides of the pond . I mean, what are the odds? Infinitesimally small is what I figure, but what do I know? A lovelier woman you’ll never see, am I right? Audrey I’m talking, not Katharine.

The two crows had been sitting astride the highway most of the morning, picking at the remains of a squirrel that had either fallen from the power pole, or been electrocuted by it. Same difference to Gus and a free meal was a free meal so he wasn’t about to complain. Leroy on the other hand? The guy just wouldn’t shut up and it was starting to really get on his nerves.  

Do you see Breakfast at Tiffany’s? Remember the opening scene when she’s eating the danish?

And that was the problem wasn’t it? Leroy had no off switch.

Did you know that she didn’t even like pastries? It’s true, but could you ever picture it as anything else now?

It was incessant, words dribbling out of his beak like diarrhea. Gus would go through the same ordeal day after day, from sunup to sundown, half-listening to Leroy spew comment after comment and wondering how he managed to get enough oxygen to the brain to survive. The guy took no breaks that Gus could see.

Pastries are the best, am I right? Give me a pastry any day over this ol squirrel carcass, that’s my motto. I prefer the sweetened ones of course, but the savoury will do in a pinch. Choux, have you ever had it? They sometimes look like cabbage, but don’t taste like it, am I right?

Shut up, shut up, shut up!

I don’t think cats make very good conversationalists, do you? I know we’re supposed to hate cats, duh, but they’re overrated as companions. You show me a cat who sits and listens like a dog does and I’ll show you a wolf in sheep’s clothing. A cat will listen to your problems all day, but you can tell they’re just faking, am I right?

Leroy never heard the truck coming, how could he over all that talking? But Gus did. The once-red Ford-150 shot over the low rising bend in the road like it was being chased by the devil himself. The grill was covered in layers of dead bugs and it was cracked in such a way that Gus could swear it was winking at him. Maybe it was who was he to judge? In the split second Gus noticed all this, he had made up his mind. Hopping to his left onto the shoulder of the highway, Gus felt more than saw the truck pass by him. Wind buffeted his feathers and pebbles, hurled by the speed of the truck, struck his head and shoulders like thousands of tiny bullets. It hurt, he wasn’t going to lie, but he was alive.

The detritus once called Leroy caused by the carnage was difficult to look at and Gus briefly felt a moment of guilt. But it was a fleeting moment and flew past his mind as quickly as the truck had. He was, after all, just a crow and he wasn’t going to let a free meal pass him by.

 

Hi, I’m Punch McDermott, world-class MMA Tycoon fighter, Carnage spokesperson, and part-time ornithologist. Children’s programming sure has changed since I was a child, but true tales of morality stand the test of time. Should we expect anything less from our clothing? Clothing shouldn’t be gimmicky, it should represent who you are and where you want to go. Join the Carnage revolution. New lines appearing on shelves near you and don’t forget to join the queue for your very own and personal customized clothing.

 

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