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PBP Commentary |
Coming up we have a bantamweight MMA rules bout between Long Schlong (ranked 2493 p4p, 6205 weight class) and Joe Biden (ranked 0 p4p, 0 weight class). Long Schlong has the edge in experience - let's see if he can make that count tonight.
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| 178 cm
37
148
18 - 18 - 1 |
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170 cm
20
130
5 - 4 - 0 |
Great wrestler
Excellent boxer
Insanely flexible |
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BJJ Purple Belt
Counter fighter
Determined |
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Ladies and gentlemen. This fight is 3 rounds, in the bantamweight division.
Introducing the fighter to my left, fighting out of the red corner.
With a record of 18 - 18 - 1, fighting out of Hilo, Long Schlong!
And introducing the fighter to my right, fighting out of the blue corner.
With a record of 5 - 4 - 0, fighting out of Las Vegas, Joe Biden!
The judges for this bout are Roger Salmon, Ryoma Takatsuka and Paul Gruel.
The bell rings for round one and we are underway!
Schlong circles away from the clinch attempt
enabling Schlong to counter with a crisp jab.
Schlong closes the distance and looks for a trip takedown... aaaand he's got it - Schlong lands in his opponent's guard.
Biden wants to hit a sweep here but Schlong passes into full mount! Oh no, disaster for Biden there!
Schlong controlling the position easily from mount.
Biden really doesn't want to stay on the ground with Schlong. If he can't get it back to his feet, it's only a matter of time before he'll be tapping out.
We've had a slow start to the round here - hopefully the action picks up.
Schlong looking to finish Biden with some ground and pound. This is bad for Biden!
That's one minute gone in the round.
Schlong misses with a series of strikes from mount. He'll no doubt be working on his ground and pound when he gets back to the gym.
Schlong in mount throwing good strikes here, bouncing his opponent's head off the canvas.
Schlong takes a little breather and maintains the position. The referee will be looking for him to stay active from such a dominant position though.
Biden tries to hold on but Schlong postures up.
Schlong connects with a couple of good shots from mount.
Schlong working the ground and pound effectively.
Schlong looking to control and managing it successfully.
That's two minutes gone in the round.
Schlong has controlled the position for a good 20 seconds, which will no doubt be starting to frustrate his opponent.
Schlong working Biden over with strikes here.
Schlong tucks in and makes sure he doesn't lose the dominant position.
Biden in a bad spot here, taking shots to the head.
This is a great period of action - very entertaining stuff!
Schlong punching from mount but Biden doing a good job of avoiding damage.
Schlong controlling the position easily from mount.
The fighters are pressed up against the cage, both looking to find a bit of space to work.
That's three minutes gone in the round.
Biden taking shots to the head.
Biden wants to hold on but Schlong pushes him away.
Schlong takes a little breather and maintains the position. The referee will be looking for him to stay active from such a dominant position though.
Biden is trying to stand up.
Schlong is in the full mount, landing strikes.
Schlong controlling the pace for now.
Schlong in mount throwing good strikes here, bouncing his opponent's head off the canvas.
That's four minutes gone in the round.
Schlong throwing strikes here but Biden is writhing around nicely and avoiding any serious damage.
Schlong postures up and cracks his opponent a couple of times before moving back into close ground control. Biden looks a forlorn figure.
Schlong working the ground and pound effectively.
Schlong controlling from the full mount.
The crowd cheering loudly, showing their appreciation for the quality fight we're seeing here.
Biden keeping his composure momentarily, calmly looking to get back to half guard.
And that is the end of the round. The fighters go back to their corners.
Long Schlong dominated that round.
Well, the break between rounds is over. Let's get back to the scrappin!
Biden tries to clinch but Schlong moves away
and Schlong counters nicely by changing levels and landing a hook to the body.
Biden misses with a right hand
and Schlong counters with a nice jab to the body that keeps Biden thinking.
Schlong shoots in for a takedown and gets it. Let's see what he's got on the mat.
Schlong missing there with some ground and pound from the guard.
Biden looking for a sweep. Not yet Biden, not yet.
Schlong is stalling in the full guard.
We've had a slow start to the round here - hopefully the action picks up.
Biden looking to control but Schlong passes into half guard.
That's one minute gone in the round.
Schlong looks over to his corner - he wants some instructions but his corner are not responding.
Schlong seems to have a rather negative gameplan on the ground. He seems keen to just score the takedown and hold down Biden for as long as he can get away with.
Schlong has been looking to land a fair amount of strikes on the ground. He might be looking to soften his opponent up in order to work for a submission.
The ref warns both fighters not to hold the cage as they work up against the meshing.
That's two minutes gone in the round.
The crowd are showing their displeasure at the lack of action as loud boos ring out around the arena.
Schlong is pressing down on Biden's thigh, looking to free his foot. Biden is holding on for now.
Schlong is working hard here to advance position.
The referee decides to stand the fighters back up.
Schlong closes the distance and looks for a trip takedown... aaaand he's got it - Schlong lands in his opponent's guard.
Biden can't keep his opponent in guard - Schlong advances to half guard, no doubt looking to mount.
That's three minutes gone in the round.
Schlong keeping composed on the top, looking to control the action.
Schlong is really dominating this fight. Is there anything that Biden can do to turn this around?
Biden taking some punishment here, with Schlong in his half guard.
We've been hearing good reports from Schlong's training camp. Apparently he has been rolling around with some good quality BJJ practitioners and has been sharpening his skills. Let's see if that has an impact on the fight today.
Schlong drops an elbow to the side of Biden's head.
Schlong seems to be taking a bit of a break to think of his next move. He lands a short punch in the meantime.
Schlong sitting and controlling from the half guard.
That's four minutes gone in the round.
Biden tries to roll over but Schlong keeps him under control.
Boooooooooooooooooooo!!! God, this has been a terrible round. Come on you two, sort yourselves out!
Biden is looking to escape.
And that is the end of the round. The fighters go back to their corners.
Long Schlong dominated that second round.
The corners get their ten second warning. Both fighters stand from their stools and stare each other down, ready to get back to the action. This is the final round!
Biden drives through with a really nice takedown into side control.
Schlong striking from the bottom but nothing landed.
Biden is trying to ground and pound but Schlong uses the momentary lack of control by Biden to regain half guard.
Schlong preventing any damage for now, controlling his opponent's head.
We've had a slow start to the round here - hopefully the action picks up.
Schlong's ground tactics aren't going to win him many fans. Let's hope he's got fireworks for us if he gets back to his feet because he's not doing much on the ground.
Biden is just content to waste time from the top position. Schlong takes advantage of the situation and regains full guard.
That's one minute gone in the round.
Biden trying to control the position from guard on top but Schlong is wriggling around, looking for whatever he can.
Schlong has Biden pulled in close to control his posture.
This is a sustained period of stalling by Schlong.
Biden wants to pass the guard but Schlong is keeping the position.
The referee has motioned to the fighters to stand back up.
That's two minutes gone in the round.
There's not a lot going on here and the crowd are letting the fighters know they're not willing to tolerate a lack of action.
A head kick by Biden misses
and Schlong counters with a nice uppercut.
Biden misses with a body punch
and Schlong counters with a lovely straight right hand!
Biden closes the distance looking to clinch
and Schlong counters with a crisp hook to the side of the head.
Biden gets taken down but at least he's managed to land in guard.
Schlong slows down the pace of the fight for a moment. He'll need to remain active if he doesn't want to see the fight stood back up.
Schlong slips effortlessly into side control - very nice.
That's three minutes gone in the round.
Schlong is pausing for a moment. What's he doing? It looks like he's clearing his nose. Oh dude! He's shot a load of snot all down Biden's shoulder. That is not cool.
Biden on the wrong end of some ground and pound.
Schlong scores with a couple of nice shots to the head there. The referee takes a look at Biden to see if he's OK.
Biden is looking for a sweep.
Schlong throwing shots but missing, from side control.
Schlong passes to full mount! That's big trouble for Biden!
Biden takes a big intake of breath there - he's definitely tired.
Schlong landing punches.
Schlong controlling the position easily from mount.
That's four minutes gone in the round.
Schlong breaks from Biden's wrist control and lands an elbow.
Long Schlong is fighting for a decision here - he's started to take the cautious approach.
Schlong controlling from mount.
Long Schlong overall seems to be getting the better of the ground position in the fight so far.
Schlong raining down shots from the mount!
Schlong controlling from mount.
The crowd thankful this round is nearly over.
Schlong dominating with strikes here.
Joe Biden has stepped it up - he knows he needs a finish here!
Schlong is still in mount, landing shots to his trapped opponent. Biden can't stay in a position like this for much longer.
And that's the end of the fight!
Long Schlong showed his dominance in that final round.
Well Schlong has outscored his opponent in every aspect of the fight today. Only a scarily incompetent judge or two will keep him from a well deserved win... Over to the ring announcer for the scorecards.
Ladies and gentlemen, after 3 rounds of action, we go to the scorecards for a decision.
Judge Roger Salmon scores the fight 30:26
Judge Ryoma Takatsuka scores the fight 30:26
Judge Paul Gruel scores the fight 30:26
In favor of your winner, by unanimous decision... Long Schlong!
A relieved looking Long Schlong thanked the fans for their support and gave the usual line about them being amazing. They seemed to believe that he actually meant it.
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| S |
C
A |
G |
S |
C
B |
G |
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S |
C |
G |
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energy
A | B |
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hype
A | B |
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pop
A | B |
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mgr
A | B |
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FIGHT
RATING
34% |
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