PBP Commentary

Coming up we have a heavyweight MMA rules bout between Starship Pain (ranked 0 p4p, 0 weight class) and The Dos Equis Guy (ranked 0 p4p, 0 weight class). Pain kept the crowd waiting but all that was forgotten when his ring entrance music started. The incomparable musical genius that is Decisive Battle. There are an array of beautiful celebrities at ringside tonight! I wonder if any of them paid for their tickets.

Pain
vs
Dos Equis Guy

195 cm
26
279 lbs
20 - 5 - 1

194 cm
23
280 lbs
11 - 0 - 0

Abu Dhabi Champ
World class boxer
Insanely flexible

Good wrestler
World class boxer
Good gas tank

Vandal Fight Boutique (prices $8 - $30)
Canadian Fighter Clothing

Ladies and gentlemen. This fight is 3 rounds, in the heavyweight division.
Introducing the fighter to my left, fighting out of the red corner.
With a record of 20 - 5 - 1, fighting out of Hilo, Starship Pain!
And introducing the fighter to my right, fighting out of the blue corner.
With a record of 11 - 0 - 0, fighting out of Montreal, The Dos Equis Guy!
The judges for this bout are Arvi Lind, Anni Minnemäki and Roosa Järviläinen.

The bell rings for round one and we are underway!
Pain attempts a low kick but it misses it's target.
Dos Equis Guy misses with a series of wild punches.
Pain tries a switch kick but it misses it's target.
Pain takes an uppercut right on the jaw but it doesn't phase him.
Pain takes a body punch but keeps moving.
Dos Equis Guy misses with a body shot.
Pain throws a body kick but he wasn't in range.
Pain gets cracked with a nice right hand there by Dos Equis Guy.
This is a great period of action - very entertaining stuff!
The fighters circling - Dos Equis Guy throws out the jab but it was never going to land.
Pain tries to score with a low kick but Dos Equis Guy moves his leg out of the way.
Pain throws a solid leg kick but Dos Equis Guy takes the impact on his shin and smiles at Pain.
Pain throws a leg kick
enabling Dos Equis Guy to counter with a crisp jab.
Dos Equis Guy blocks a low kick nicely.
Pain connects with a leg kick. He turned his hip over nicely there.
Dos Equis Guy misses with a hook
and Pain makes him pay by landing a thudding low kick.

Dos Equis Guy has managed to clinch.
Dos Equis Guy scores with an uppercut up the middle.

That's one minute gone in the round.
Pain blocks a punch to the side of the head.
Dos Equis Guy misses with a short punch on the inside.
Dos Equis Guy lands a left hand that snaps the head of Pain backwards.
Dos Equis Guy misses with the head strike.
Dos Equis Guy misses with a short punch on the inside.
Dos Equis Guy lands a body punch.
Dos Equis Guy working aggressively here.
Dos Equis Guy scores with a nice hook to the head.
Pain lands with a right to the head.
Pain blocks a couple of punches on the inside.
Pain tries a body shot but Dos Equis Guy blocks it.
Dos Equis Guy swings wildly with an uppercut but Pain uses good head movement to avoid it.
Pain lands on the inside with an uppercut.
The crowd are loving this. Great action here.
Pain misses with some punches.
Pain misses with a hook to the ribs.
Pain doesn't land with the attempted body shot.
Dos Equis Guy swings away with an uppercut that misses.

That's two minutes gone in the round.
Pain misses with the head strike.
An uppercut on the inside fails to land for Dos Equis Guy.
Dos Equis Guy working on landing some head shots here - that one got through nicely.
Dos Equis Guy misses with a shot to the kidneys.
Pain blocking some punches.
Dos Equis Guy doesn't land with the attempted body shot.
Dos Equis Guy's corner are urging him to control the action in the clinch for a moment, rather than mount any serious offense. I'm sure the crowd appreciate those instructions... not.
A short right hand to the side of the head by Pain.
Dos Equis Guy stops a takedown attempt from Pain.
Pain tries to land a shot to the body but it's blocked.
Pain tries to work over Dos Equis Guy's body with a swooping hook but it only glances the target.
Dos Equis Guy tried to land a shot to the body but connects with Pain's elbow.
Pain blocking some punches.
Dos Equis Guy fails to land with a short punch on the inside.
Pain blocks a couple of punches on the inside.

That's three minutes gone in the round.
A nice left hand lands by Pain.
Pain lands a short shot on the inside that snaps the head of Dos Equis Guy backwards.
Pain misses with some punches.
Dos Equis Guy swings wildly with an uppercut but Pain uses good head movement to avoid it.
Pain tries a shoulder strike but it doesn't do any damage.
Pain misses with a hook from the clinch.
Dos Equis Guy has a couple of punches blocked by Pain.
Pain softening up his opponent with strikes, against the cage.
This is a great period of action - very entertaining stuff!
Dos Equis Guy lands a hook to the side of the head.
Pain tries to land a shot to the body but it's blocked.
A head punch on the inside from Dos Equis Guy fails to land.
Dos Equis Guy tries a body shot but Pain blocks it.
Dos Equis Guy goes for a body shot but it's blocked.
Pain tries a shoulder strike but it doesn't do any damage.
Pain prevents a body shot from Dos Equis Guy.
Pain misses with a hook from the clinch.
Pain doesn't land with the attempted body shot.

That's four minutes gone in the round.
An uppercut on the inside fails to land for Pain.
Pain scores with a hook to the body.
Pain tries to land a shot to the body but it's blocked.
Dos Equis Guy swings wildly with an uppercut but Pain uses good head movement to avoid it.
Dos Equis Guy manages to get underhooks and slows down the pace for a moment.
Pain prevents a body shot from Dos Equis Guy.
Both fighters working to control the clinch.
Pain cracks Dos Equis Guy with a nice body shot.
Dos Equis Guy struggles to land a body shot inside as Pain controls his hands.
Pain swings wildly with an uppercut but Dos Equis Guy uses good head movement to avoid it.
The crowd are going absolutely nuts as the round comes to an end - what a fantastic round of action!
A head punch on the inside from Dos Equis Guy fails to land.
Dos Equis Guy lands a left hand that snaps the head of Pain backwards.
Pain fails to land with a short punch on the inside.
Dos Equis Guy swings away with an uppercut that misses.
And that’s the end of the round – the fighters go back to their corners.

A close round but The Dos Equis Guy will probably get the nod.
That's time! Pain's corner gives him a slap on the ass as he gets ready to fight.

Pain throws the left hand but Dos Equis Guy avoids the punch easily.
Pain tries a low kick but Dos Equis Guy avoids it.
A shot to the liver by Dos Equis Guy. Beautiful body shot.
Dos Equis Guy tried to score with a low kick but Pain checks it.
The Dos Equis Guy seems to be getting the better of the standup.
Dos Equis Guy moves out of range of the leg kick from Pain.
The fight stays on the outside here - Pain looks like he's thinking about clinching though.
Pain connects with an inside leg kick.
Pain stumbles momentarily as he takes a strong leg kick from Dos Equis Guy.
A left lands for Dos Equis Guy.
Dos Equis Guy fakes a head punch and goes low to the body. Nicely done.
Wooooo! Give it up for these two warriors! They are putting on a show!
Dos Equis Guy swings away with a leg kick that misses.
A chopping leg kick lands by Dos Equis Guy.
Pain uses some good footwork to avoid the body shot by Dos Equis Guy.
Pain throws a right hand that misses
and Dos Equis Guy counters with a crisp hook to the side of the head.
Pain bobs and weaves and then throws a good body kick.

That's one minute gone in the round.
Dos Equis Guy misses with a body shot.
Pain lands a pitter patter jab to the forehead of his opponent.
Dos Equis Guy misses with a kick to the body.
Pain throws a right hand that Dos Equis Guy ducks under and follows up with a left that Dos Equis Guy also avoids with ease.
Pain swings and misses with a hook to the body.
Like a baseball bat into the meat of his leg there - nice leg kick by Pain.
The sound of bone on bone echoes around the arena as Dos Equis Guy checks a leg kick.
Dos Equis Guy throws a shot from downtown. Pain moves away and avoids it.
Pain throws a leg kick that is checked
and Dos Equis Guy makes him pay by landing a nice hook to the body before moving out of range.
Pain throws a hard body shot but it just misses.
A jab from Dos Equis Guy misses.
Pain uses some good footwork to avoid the body shot by Dos Equis Guy.
Pain fails to land with a series of punches.

Pain decides to change it up a bit and drives through with a nice takedown into half guard.
The referee looks like he's ready to step in and stand the fighters back up.
Pain prevents Dos Equis Guy from improving his position.

That's two minutes gone in the round.
Dos Equis Guy slips a foot under and gets full guard. Nice work.
We've seen a great period of action over the last minute or so - credit to both fighters for going all out!
Pain looking to pass the guard.
Pain with a flurry of punches that miss.
Dos Equis Guy wants to sweep but no luck.
Dos Equis Guy trying to keep a closed guard but Pain is proving a slippery customer.
Pain missing there with some ground and pound from the guard.
Pain throws a big right hand that misses.

That's three minutes gone in the round.
Pain content to strike from guard, landing some decent shots.
Pain stands up and looks to throw the legs aside to pass to side control. Dos Equis Guy swivels though and keeps the full guard.
Pain is sitting in guard, working some ground and pound.
Pain scoring with some ground and pound.
Pain postures up in Dos Equis Guy's guard and throws a big left but Dos Equis Guy blocks it.
This is a great period of action - very entertaining stuff!
Pain tries to free his leg and advance position but Dos Equis Guy is retaining full guard.
Dos Equis Guy is working an open guard here, looking to improve his position. No doubt that will leave him open to counters but at least he's being more offensive.
Pain chips away with some ground and pound.

That's four minutes gone in the round.
Dos Equis Guy is trying to control the position from the bottom.
Pain works over Dos Equis Guy with some ground and pound from guard.
Pain trying to control the position from guard on top but Dos Equis Guy is wriggling around, looking for whatever he can.
Pain trying to land body shots but he keeps hitting the mat.
Pain postures up.
Pain stopping the sweep attempt from Dos Equis Guy.
The crowd are going absolutely nuts as the round comes to an end - what a fantastic round of action!
Dos Equis Guy is persisting with the attempt to improve his position.
And that’s the end of the round – the fighters go back to their corners.

Starship Pain dominated that second round.
The minute break is over - no more time for sponges and pep talks - back to the action! And we move into the final round!

Pain scores with a slapping inside leg kick.
Pain moves out of range as Dos Equis Guy strikes.
An inside leg kick from Pain misses.
Pain misses with a kick to the body.
Pain scores with a punch to the gut of his opponent.
Starship Pain seems to be the more aggressive standup fighter in this bout.
A jab from Pain misses.
Pain throws a head kick that misses.
Crunch! Pain slams his shin into Dos Equis Guy's torso.
Pain looking to take his opponent's legs away with the low kicks.
Pain throws a quick head kick that skims the top of Dos Equis Guy's head.
Pain buckles his opponent's knee momentarily with a nice leg kick.
A looping hook to the body misses from Dos Equis Guy. Pain does a little dance to reset his feet.
Wooooo! Give it up for these two warriors! They are putting on a show!
Dos Equis Guy misses with a few strikes there.
Pain dances in quickly and lands a nice inside leg kick on Dos Equis Guy. That did some damage!
Pain jabs Dos Equis Guy to the body, keeping him at a distance.
Dos Equis Guy takes a big intake of breath there - he's definitely tired.
Pain missing with a left hand there. Dos Equis Guy was out of range so wasted energy throwing that one.

That's one minute gone in the round.
Pain attempts a low kick but it misses it's target.
Dos Equis Guy fakes a jab and throws a low kick but Pain checks it well.
Pain misses with a body punch
enabling Dos Equis Guy to counter with a crisp jab.
Dos Equis Guy swings wildly with a right hand that was never going to find it's target.
Pain lands a body shot.
Dos Equis Guy throws a big shot that misses.
Dos Equis Guy throws a hook but Pain avoids it easily.
The Dos Equis Guy is looking to keep the fight on the feet at all costs.
Jab by Dos Equis Guy.
Pain feints with a shoulder and throws a nice leg kick to Dos Equis Guy's calf.
Dos Equis Guy throws out a leg kick but Pain moves out of range and Dos Equis Guy only half commits.
Dos Equis Guy on the wrong end of a nice low kick. He's acting like it's no big deal but he doesn't want to take many more of those.
Pain is looking to wear down Dos Equis Guy with body shots, infact he's throwing more body shots than head shots at the moment.
Good leg kick by Pain there. It's the ones that make that thud noise that hurt and that was an almighty thud.
Pain lands a head shot.
This has been an exciting period of action!
Dos Equis Guy stumbles momentarily as he takes a strong leg kick from Pain.

That's two minutes gone in the round.
That kick from Pain tenderised Dos Equis Guy's leg. Dos Equis Guy is trying to keep his angry face on.
Ouch! a nice leg kick from Pain, right into the meat.
Dos Equis Guy takes a jab on the nose there. A little bit of blood seems to be coming out. Hopefully that won't affect his breathing.
Ooooh, nice body kick lands from Pain. Dos Equis Guy shrugs it off though.
Dos Equis Guy on the wrong end of an overhand right that came out of nowhere.
Pain throws a leg kick but Dos Equis Guy checks it.
A nice inside leg kick there by Pain. That's going to slow Dos Equis Guy down.
Pain dips down and scores with a jab to the body.
Dos Equis Guy checks the leg kick.
Pain throws a body punch but Dos Equis Guy moves out of range.
Pain throws a head kick that misses.
Dos Equis Guy throws a monster uppercut resembling something out of street fighter but it doesn't land.
Pain fakes a couple of low kicks, before throwing one on the third attempt. It connects and Dos Equis Guy has to reset his feet before getting ready to engage.
A combination from Pain does no damage.

That's three minutes gone in the round.
Dos Equis Guy on the wrong end of a nice low kick. He's acting like it's no big deal but he doesn't want to take many more of those.
Dos Equis Guy's leg has a nasty welt from taking a succession of leg kicks. That must be slowing him down.
Pain lands the left hand.
Pain moves into range and lands a nice leg kick.
Pain looks for a takedown but Dos Equis Guy sprawls well.
Pain keeps the fight on the outside.
Good leg kick by Pain there. It's the ones that make that thud noise that hurt and that was an almighty thud.
Pain throws a chopping leg kick but Dos Equis Guy manages to avoid taking any serious damage.
Pain lands a kick to the ribs of his opponent. Nice work there - in and out in a flash.

Pain clinches with his opponent.
Dos Equis Guy takes a shot to the head.
The fans in attendance giving it up for the two fighters, who have really let it all hang out in the last minute or so!
An uppercut on the inside fails to land for Pain.
Pain scores with a nice hook to the head.
Dos Equis Guy misses with a punch to the body.
Dos Equis Guy misses with a shot to the kidneys.

That's four minutes gone in the round.
Dos Equis Guy lands with a right to the head.
Dos Equis Guy misses with some punches.
Pain lands a right hand.
Pain doesn't land with the attempted body shot.
Pain tries to land a shot to the body but it's blocked.
Dos Equis Guy working aggressively here.
Dos Equis Guy goes for a body shot but it's blocked.
Pain blocks a punch to the side of the head.
Pain can't find room to land a body shot as Dos Equis Guy controls the action.
With the fighters clinched against the cage, Dos Equis Guy creates a bit of distance for himself and scores with a nice uppercut.
Dos Equis Guy tries a shoulder strike but it doesn't do any damage.
Pain tries to throw a body punch but Dos Equis Guy avoids it by throwing Pain back against the cage.
The crowd are going absolutely nuts as the round comes to an end - what a fantastic round of action!
Pain gets through Dos Equis Guy's defenses to land a nice punch to the side of the head.
Dos Equis Guy blocks a body shot from Pain.
Dos Equis Guy tries to throw a body punch but Pain avoids it by throwing Dos Equis Guy back against the cage.
Pain lands with a short punch from the clinch.

And that's the end of the fight!
Starship Pain showed his dominance in that final round.
Well Pain has outscored his opponent in every aspect of the fight today. Only a scarily incompetent judge or two will keep him from a well deserved win... Over to the ring announcer for the scorecards.

Ladies and gentlemen, after 3 rounds of action, we go to the scorecards for a decision.
Judge Arvi Lind scores the fight 29:28
Judge Anni Minnemäki scores the fight 29:28
Judge Roosa Järviläinen scores the fight 29:28

In favor of your winner, by unanimous decision... Starship Pain!
Starship Pain seemed lost for words in his post fight interview but he remembered to thank his fans and directed everyone to his website.