PBP Commentary

Coming up we have a heavyweight MMA rules bout between Joran van der Sloot (ranked 0 p4p, 0 weight class) and Anal Bead Party (ranked 0 p4p, 0 weight class). Over to our ring announcer for the fighter introductions!

van der Sloot
vs
Bead Party

210 cm
27
285 lbs
9 - 2 - 0

190 cm
29
276 lbs
12 - 2 - 0

Good wrestling
Excellent boxer
Insanely flexible

Good wrestler
Excellent MT
Good gas tank

Ladies and gentlemen. This fight is 3 rounds, in the heavyweight division.
Introducing the fighter to my left, fighting out of the red corner.
With a record of 9 - 2 - 0, fighting out of Helsinki, Joran van der Sloot!
And introducing the fighter to my right, fighting out of the blue corner.
With a record of 12 - 2 - 0, fighting out of Helsinki, Anal Bead Party!
The judges for this bout are Aleksei Zolotukhin, Sergei Dronov and Ivan Kurochkin.

The bell rings for round one and we are underway!
van der Sloot lands with an overhand left.

It looks like Anal Bead Party has been cut.
A bone on bone clash there as Party blocks the leg kick.
Party tries to score with an inside leg kick but telegraphs it and van der Sloot is able to avoid easily.
Party swats away the attempt to clinch by van der Sloot.
Some wild striking there from Party.
Party misses with a hook. van der Sloot ducked under it nicely.
van der Sloot wants to clinch.
van der Sloot slips a jab and a cross from Party.
van der Sloot is looking to clinch.
Party fakes high and swings low for a body shot but van der Sloot manages to avoid it.
Party misses with a wild combination.
Party shoots in looking for a double leg takedown. van der Sloot defends it nicely.
Party throws a body punch but van der Sloot moves out of range.

That's one minute gone in the round.
Party misses with a leg kick.
Party swings and misses with a hook to the body.
van der Sloot avoids the body shot from Party.

van der Sloot darts in and clinches Party up against the cage.
van der Sloot lands with a short shot to the head.
Party throws a knee to the head but misses.

van der Sloot has dropped down and is working for a takedown. Party is trying to keep an underhook but van der Sloot manages to get the takedown into half guard.
Party blocking the ground and pound attempt from van der Sloot.
The ref warns both fighters not to hold the cage as they work up against the meshing.
van der Sloot sitting in half guard, looking to land shots. Party defending well though.
Party tries to get to full guard but van der Sloot has control of the leg.

van der Sloot wants to work for an arm triangle but Party is really keeping half guard well and defending the submission attempt.
van der Sloot lands strikes from half guard.
Wooooo! Give it up for these two warriors! They are putting on a show!

van der Sloot is thinking about going for an arm triangle but he can't free his leg.

van der Sloot is looking for a kimura. It's going to be difficult to finish that from half guard though and Party defends it well.

That's two minutes gone in the round.
van der Sloot not landing any meaningful shots this time.
Party tries to get to full guard but van der Sloot has control of the leg.
The fighters are battling for position here. Party manages to regain full guard. Nice work.
Party looking for a sweep. Not yet Party, not yet.

van der Sloot got a little sloppy there for a moment and Party has worked his way into a loose triangle - can he finish it?! No, van der Sloot has managed to get both his arms back between Party's legs - danger averted.
van der Sloot postures up and lands a big shot to Party's brow.
van der Sloot wants to control from the top but Party keeps moving.
van der Sloot scores with a decent looking elbow strike.

van der Sloot avoids a guillotine attempt easily.
van der Sloot postures up and scores with a shot to the body and a follow up elbow to the head.

That's three minutes gone in the round.
Party is trying to keep van der Sloot in close.
van der Sloot scoring with punches to the head and body.
van der Sloot cracks Party with a solid left hand.

van der Sloot is trying to work a guillotine from the top, or something like that? Don't know how he thinks he's going to get a finish from there.
Party utilising some decent striking defenses from the guard, preventing the ground and pound.
van der Sloot wants to control from the top but Party keeps moving.
Party is working the butterfly guard. He manages to land a nice scissor sweep and is now in half guard on the top. Nice move.
van der Sloot wants to get back to full guard.
Party wants to take a breather but van der Sloot is having none of it.
van der Sloot controlling the leg, holding on to half guard.

That's four minutes gone in the round.
Party is looking to advance position but van der Sloot won't allow it.
Party is scoring with some nice ground and pound from the dominant position.
Party frees up his trapped foot and advances to mount.
Wooooo! Give it up for these two warriors! They are putting on a show!
Party thowing strikes but they're hitting the gloves, not doing any damage.
The crowd are going absolutely nuts as the round comes to an end - what a fantastic round of action!
Party landing strikes from the mount.
Party lands a big elbow.
Party wants to control the pace but van der Sloot is squirming around nicely.
And that’s the end of the round – the fighters go back to their corners.

Joran van der Sloot dominated that round.
The cut man is working on Anal Bead Party's cut.
The fighters get back to their feet, the hooter sounds and we're back to the action!

Party swats away the attempt to clinch by van der Sloot.
Party tries a head kick but it misses.
A head kick misses from van der Sloot.
Party throws an uppercut from half a mile away. van der Sloot sees it coming and avoids it easily.
Donk. Party catches van der Sloot right on the button with a cross.
Party takes a jab right on the kisser.
Party throws a combination but it was largely blocked by van der Sloot.
van der Sloot staying out of range there.
Party showing good head movement there, avoiding the strikes from van der Sloot.
van der Sloot tries to bum rush Party with a series of wild strikes but Party uses good footwork to avoid the assault.
Party displays good takedown defense there as he swats away a double leg from van der Sloot.

van der Sloot closes the distance and presses his opponent up against the cage.

That's one minute gone in the round.
van der Sloot wants to take the fight to the mat but Party manages to get underhooks and keep the fight in the clinch.
Party lands a knee to the head.
An uppercut on the inside fails to land for van der Sloot.
van der Sloot effectively controlling the action here.
Party misses with a body punch.
Party tries to land a knee to the head but misses.
Party scores with a nice hook to the head.
van der Sloot changes levels and goes for a takedown here. Party fights it off and pushes away nicely.
That's three failed takedown attempts in the round for Joran van der Sloot. That's going to take a lot out of him.
van der Sloot shoots in for a takedown. "Ole!" shouts Party as he jumps to the side.
van der Sloot moves out of range of the strikes.
Party lands with a thumping leg kick.
Party scores with a punch to the gut of his opponent.
Both fighters are absolutely exhausted here.
Wooooo! Give it up for these two warriors! They are putting on a show!
van der Sloot takes a jab on the nose there. A little bit of blood seems to be coming out. Hopefully that won't affect his breathing.

That's two minutes gone in the round.

Party looking to score a takedown here. van der Sloot is defending well but Party drives through and ends up in van der Sloot's guard.
Party tries to free his leg and advance position but van der Sloot is retaining full guard.
Party passes van der Sloot's left leg - he's now in half guard.

Party is looking for a kimura. It's going to be difficult to finish that from half guard though and van der Sloot defends it well.

Party is looking for an arm triangle, whilst trying to pass to side control. van der Sloot doesn't seem that keen to cooperate though. No luck this time Party.
van der Sloot blocking the ground and pound attempt from Party.

That's three minutes gone in the round.
van der Sloot has hold of Party's hands but Party slips his arm to the side and lands an elbow.

van der Sloot is rocked!
Party lands a massive shot from half guard that has rocked van der Sloot! More strikes land and this one is all over! Party jumps to his feet and is applauded loudly by the crowd!

Ladies and gentlemen, after 3:31 of round 2, we have a winner by way of TKO (Strikes). Anal Bead Party!
Post fight, an emotional Anal Bead Party said 'Anal Beads give me orgasm YAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYY!!!!'.