PBP Commentary

Coming up we have a middleweight MMA rules bout between Derp Rtard (ranked 0 p4p, 0 weight class) and Ovlla Joikhaaja (ranked 0 p4p, 0 weight class). Rtard kept the crowd waiting but all that was forgotten when his ring entrance music started. The incomparable musical genius that is Let the bodies hit the floor-drowning pool. We have two fighters making their debuts here, so let's see who comes out of this one with their first professional victory.

Rtard
vs
Joikhaaja

185 cm
24
185 lbs
0 - 0 - 0

173 cm
18
185 lbs
0 - 0 - 0

BJJ Blue Belt
Basic striking
Cuts easily

BJJ Blue Belt
Basic striking
Solid chin

Ladies and gentlemen. This fight is 3 rounds, in the middleweight division.
Introducing the fighter to my left, fighting out of the red corner.
With a record of 0 - 0 - 0, fighting out of Helsinki, Derp Rtard!
And introducing the fighter to my right, fighting out of the blue corner.
With a record of 0 - 0 - 0, fighting out of Helsinki, Ovlla Joikhaaja!
The judges for this bout are Matti Vanhoillinen, Marco Blurström and Roosa Järviläinen.

The bell rings for round one and we are underway!

Joikhaaja shoots in and gets a takedown into half guard. Joikhaaja showed some decent athleticism there.
The referee looks like he's ready to step in and stand the fighters back up.
Joikhaaja lands with an elbow from half guard - that looked like it hurt.
Rtard wants to get back to his feet.
Rtard has hold of Joikhaaja's hands but Joikhaaja slips his arm to the side and lands an elbow.
Rtard gets back to full guard.
Joikhaaja throws a big right hand that misses.
Rtard wants to get back to his feet but Joikhaaja is in a dominant position and won't allow it.
Joikhaaja engaging in some classic timewasting tactics.

That's one minute gone in the round.
Rtard controls Joikhaaja momentarily but Joikhaaja frees himself.
Joikhaaja looking to sit in guard and control but Rtard gets the butterfly guard and sweeps. He's now in the guard on the top.
Joikhaaja wants to get back to his feet but Rtard is in a dominant position and won't allow it.
Joikhaaja pulls Rtard in close to prevent any damage.

That's two minutes gone in the round.
Rtard is looking to work some ground and pound but Joikhaaja has wrist control.
Rtard will need to keep those long limbs tucked in whilst he's on the ground, to prevent any submissions.
Joikhaaja looking for a sweep. Not yet Joikhaaja, not yet.

It looks like we're going to have a standup here. Neither fighter is doing enough on the ground.
Nice sprawl there from Joikhaaja as Rtard shoots in.
Joikhaaja misses with a takedown attempt
and Rtard counters with a kick to the head that grazes his opponent. Joikhaaja is lucky that one didn't land flush.
Rtard misses with a wild combination.
Joikhaaja shoots in looking for a takedown. Rtard tries to sprawl out of it but Joikhaaja keeps driving through. The fighters are pinned against the cage. Rtard manages to get underhooks and after a bit of a struggle, circles away and we're back to standing.
Rtard takes a thudding leg kick, right into the meat of the thigh.
Joikhaaja looks frustrated there after his takedown attempt is stuffed easily.
Derp Rtard has stuffed three takedown attempts in the round now. That's going to take a lot out of Ovlla Joikhaaja.
A solid leg kick lands there for Joikhaaja.
Rtard stuffs a takedown. It's all about dictating where the fight takes place and Rtard wants it to stay on the feet.
Joikhaaja shoots in but Rtard avoids the takedown attempt easily.

That's three minutes gone in the round.

Rtard clinches.
Rtard stalling.

Rtard gets a trip takedown into half guard.
Joikhaaja tries to get to full guard but Rtard has control of the leg.
Rtard slips a nice elbow through Joikhaaja's hands, connecting with Joikhaaja's forehead.
Rtard wants to stand but Joikhaaja has hold of a leg and an arm, so he's trapped for now.
Rtard not landing any meaningful shots this time.
Joikhaaja is looking to improve his position.

Rtard is working for a kimura but Joikhaaja is defending it quite comfortably.

That's four minutes gone in the round.
Joikhaaja keeping his head moving to avoid the ground and pound.
Rtard trying to pass the guard but Joikhaaja defending well.
Rtard is thwarting Joikhaaja's attempts to control the position.
Rtard prevents Joikhaaja from standing back up.
Rtard looking to pass the half guard. Not this time.
The crowd cheering loudly, showing their appreciation for the quality fight we're seeing here.
As the round comes to an end the crowd are showing their appreciation for a great round of action.
Rtard is working hard here to advance position.
The fighters are pressed up against the cage, both looking to find a bit of space to work.
Rtard missing with the ground and pound from half guard.
And that’s the end of the round – the fighters go back to their corners.

That was a close round but I would say that Derp Rtard will probably get the nod.
OK. That's time! The bell goes and we're back to the action.

Rtard gets to the clinch - let's see what his plan is here.
Joikhaaja is working for a takedown up against the cage. He can't get it on this occasion though.
Joikhaaja goes for a takedown attempt but Rtard pushes him away and we're back to fighting at a distance.
Rtard misses with a takedown
and Joikhaaja counters with a good, hard body kick but Rtard shrugs it off.

Joikhaaja throws a loose over hand right and dives in with a double leg takedown. Rtard tries to sprawl but it's too late and the fighters hit the mat. Joikhaaja is in Rtard's guard.
Joikhaaja trying to control the position from guard on top but Rtard is wriggling around, looking for whatever he can.
Joikhaaja throwing strikes from guard but Rtard blocks nicely.
Rtard pulls Joikhaaja in close to prevent any damage.
Joikhaaja trying to control the position from guard on top but Rtard is wriggling around, looking for whatever he can.

That's one minute gone in the round.
Rtard is looking to stand up but Joikhaaja isn't so interested in that idea.
Rtard tries to land a sweep but no joy.

The referee decides to stand the fighters back up.
Rtard moves in looking to clinch but Joikhaaja pushes him off.
Rtard stuffs the takedown attempt from Joikhaaja. Joikhaaja gets slowly back to his feet.
Derp Rtard has stuffed three takedown attempts in the round now. That's going to take a lot out of Ovlla Joikhaaja.
Rtard is looking to take this fight into the clinch.
Rtard lands a leg kick and bounces back out of range.
Rtard shoots in looking for a double leg takedown. Joikhaaja defends it nicely.
Rtard shoots in for a takedown but Joikhaaja shows good takedown defense there and keeps this one on the feet.

That's two minutes gone in the round.
Rtard stuffs the takedown attempt from Joikhaaja. Joikhaaja gets slowly back to his feet.
Rtard moves in looking to clinch but Joikhaaja pushes him off.
Rtard displays good takedown defense there as he swats away a double leg from Joikhaaja.
Joikhaaja is breathing heavily.
Rtard fails miserably with a takedown attempt.
Joikhaaja shoots in for a takedown. "Ole!" shouts Rtard as he jumps to the side.
Joikhaaja shoots in and drives through. Rtard sprawls well.
Joikhaaja should think about turning a few of those tyres round his middle into muscle if he wants people to take him seriously as an athlete.
Rtard tries to close the distance and clinch up against the cage but Joikhaaja paws at him with a jab and circles away.
Joikhaaja shoots in for a double leg but Rtard sprawls well. That's going to sap some energy.

Rtard closes the distance and pushes Joikhaaja back into the cage.
Joikhaaja has Rtard pressed up against the cage and is working for takedown. Rtard manages to improve position though and keeps the fight standing.
This has been an exciting period of action!
Joikhaaja is pressed up against the cage. Rtard has hold of a leg and is looking to drag Joikhaaja down to the mat. Joikhaaja avoids the attempt though and has circled away. We're back to striking at a distance.
Derp Rtard is looking to throw some combinations by the looks of things.

That's three minutes gone in the round.
Rtard tries to shoot in for a takedown. He's got hold of a leg but Joikhaaja swivels and escapes.
Joikhaaja stuffs a takedown. It's all about dictating where the fight takes place and Joikhaaja wants it to stay on the feet.
Rtard stuffs a takedown. It's all about dictating where the fight takes place and Rtard wants it to stay on the feet.
Rtard pulls out of a head kick attempt.
The fight stays on the outside here - Rtard looks like he's thinking about clinching though.
Rtard fails with a takedown attempt.
Rtard moves out of range of the strikes.
Joikhaaja is trying hard to land a takedown here. Rtard sprawls well and keeps this one on the feet.

Rtard fakes with an overhand right and moves in to clinch with Joikhaaja, pushing him back against the cage.
Joikhaaja stops a takedown attempt from Rtard.
Joikhaaja has hold of a leg and is looking for a trip takedown. Rtard avoids it nicely though and we remain in the clinch.

That's four minutes gone in the round.
Rtard scores a nice knee to the body.

Rtard jumps guard.
Joikhaaja trying to control but Rtard is working from the bottom.
Joikhaaja won't allow Rtard to get back to his feet.
Rtard is trying to control the position from the bottom.
Joikhaaja landing with the ground and pound.
As the round comes to an end the crowd are showing their appreciation for a great round of action.
Rtard wants to stand up but Joikhaaja is controlling him.
And that’s the end of the round – the fighters go back to their corners.

Derp Rtard dominated that second round.
That's the end of the interval. I'm sure that seemed a lot quicker than a minute for our two fighters! Back to the action. So, we enter the final round. Let's see if either fighter can bring us a finish, or whether we're going to the judges scorecards.

Joikhaaja circles away from the clinch attempt.

Joikhaaja throws the overhand right but ducks down into a quick takedown attempt. Rtard was covering up waiting for the punch and Joikhaaja finishes the takedown easily into guard.
Joikhaaja is looking to work some ground and pound but Rtard has wrist control.
Joikhaaja throwing elbows and punches but not connecting, as Rtard works some decent striking defense from the bottom.
Joikhaaja trying to control the position from guard on top but Rtard is wriggling around, looking for whatever he can.
Rtard trying to control the position.
Rtard is going to have to think about doing something other than just controlling because Joikhaaja is managing to avoid having the position dictated to him.

That's one minute gone in the round.
Rtard tries to land a sweep but no joy.
Joikhaaja trying to control the position from guard on top but Rtard is wriggling around, looking for whatever he can.
Ovlla Joikhaaja has got the better of the ground game so far.

It looks like we're going to have a standup here. Neither fighter is doing enough on the ground.

Rtard has Joikhaaja up against the cage in a clinch.

Rtard manages to break the clinch.

Rtard drives through and clinches with Joikhaaja against the cage.
Joikhaaja goes for a takedown attempt but Rtard pushes him away and we're back to fighting at a distance.
Joikhaaja looks for a takedown here. Will he get it? Rtard is fending him off so far but Joikhaaja persists. Nope, Rtard circles away and we're back to standing.

That's two minutes gone in the round.
Rtard tries to close the distance and clinch but Joikhaaja swats him to one side with an open hand palm strike and circles away.

A momentary lapse in concentration from Rtard enables Joikhaaja to shoot in and score with a neat double leg. Rtard manages to secure a closed guard as the fighters hit the mat.
Joikhaaja takes a big intake of breath there - he's definitely tired.
Joikhaaja throwing elbows and punches but not connecting, as Rtard works some decent striking defense from the bottom.
Rtard wants to stand up but Joikhaaja is controlling him.
Joikhaaja throwing elbows and punches but not connecting, as Rtard works some decent striking defense from the bottom.
Joikhaaja with a couple of shots to the head there. Not particularly brutal.
Rtard is looking to get back to his feet but can't, whilst Joikhaaja is controlling him.
The crowd cheering loudly, showing their appreciation for the quality fight we're seeing here.
A big thud reverberates around the arena there as Joikhaaja accidentally thumps the mat. Hopefully he's not broken his hand.
Joikhaaja controlling from the guard. I say controlling but really, he's stalling.

That's three minutes gone in the round.
Joikhaaja trying to control but Rtard is working from the bottom.
Joikhaaja has the superior BJJ but he's also working some ground strikes into his gameplan.
Rtard pulls Joikhaaja in close to prevent any damage.
The referee looks like he's ready to step in and stand the fighters back up.
Joikhaaja tries to free his leg and advance position but Rtard is retaining full guard.

Well, the referee has seen enough. Neither fighter is active enough on the ground so he's stood them back up.
Joikhaaja looks for a takedown here. Will he get it? Rtard is fending him off so far but Joikhaaja persists. Nope, Rtard circles away and we're back to standing.
Derp Rtard has stuffed three takedown attempts in the round now. That's going to take a lot out of Ovlla Joikhaaja.
Rtard tries to clinch up but Joikhaaja circles away and keeps his distance.

Rtard gets caught napping as Joikhaaja dives in and scores a takedown. Rtard manages to retain guard.
Joikhaaja throws a strike but Rtard rolls with it and manages to sweep. Now he's in guard on top.

That's four minutes gone in the round.
Rtard wanted to stand there but Joikhaaja had control of the position.
Joikhaaja is trying to keep Rtard in close.
Joikhaaja keeping moving, preventing Rtard from controlling successfully.
Ovlla Joikhaaja has stepped it up - he knows he needs a finish here!
The crowd applaud the fighters efforts here as the round comes to an end.
Rtard passes into half guard.
Derp Rtard is fighting for a decision here - he's started to take the cautious approach.

Rtard decides to stand up and try his luck on the feet.

And that's the end of the fight!
I would just about give that final round to Ovlla Joikhaaja.
I think Rtard has won this one but let's see what the judges have to say. Over to the ring announcer for the scorecards.

Ladies and gentlemen, after 3 rounds of action, we go to the scorecards for a decision.
Judge Matti Vanhoillinen scores the fight 29:28
Judge Marco Blurström scores the fight 28:29
Judge Roosa Järviläinen scores the fight 29:28

In favor of your winner, by split decision... Derp Rtard!
A victorious Derp Rtard thanked his army of followers in his post fight interview, telling people to make sure they follow him on Twitter.