PBP Commentary

Coming up we have a light heavyweight MMA rules bout between Matiku Kong (ranked 0 p4p, 0 weight class) and Douche Canoe (ranked 0 p4p, 0 weight class). Douche Canoe is staring across the cage at his opponent, tweaking his nipples.

Kong
vs
Canoe

187 cm
25
205 lbs
2 - 1 - 0

197 cm
19
215 lbs
1 - 0 - 0

Good takedowns
Counter fighter
Very quick

Good wrestler
Decent boxing
Powerful

Ladies and gentlemen. This fight is 3 rounds, in the light heavyweight division.
Introducing the fighter to my left, fighting out of the red corner.
With a record of 2 - 1 - 0, fighting out of Sydney, Matiku Kong!
And introducing the fighter to my right, fighting out of the blue corner.
With a record of 1 - 0 - 0, fighting out of Sydney, Douche Canoe!
The judges for this bout are Summer Carpenter, Damien Edna and Skip Squint.

The bell rings for round one and we are underway!

Canoe feints and as Kong raises his hands in defense, Canoe changes levels and drives through with a takedown into guard.
Kong is looking to stand up but Canoe isn't so interested in that idea.
Canoe cracks Kong with a solid left hand.
Kong is looking to stand up but Canoe isn't so interested in that idea.
Canoe content to strike from guard, landing some decent shots.
Kong is trying to stand up but he's not managed so far.
Canoe lands a couple of digs.
We've had a slow start to the round here - hopefully the action picks up.
Kong can't do much from the bottom at the moment, as Canoe controls the pace.
Canoe prevents Kong from getting back to his feet.
Canoe looking to pass the guard.

That's one minute gone in the round.
Canoe is just sitting in guard, looking to avoid any submissions.
Canoe stops Kong from standing up.
Canoe wants to control from the top but Kong keeps moving.
Canoe missing there with some ground and pound from the guard.
Kong is looking to get back to his feet but can't, whilst Canoe is controlling him.

The referee has decided to stand the fighters back up, so we'll restart on the feet.

Canoe changes levels and drives through with a really nice takedown into side control. Kong looks really pissed at himself for not defending that better.
Canoe throws an elbow but Kong slips to the side and avoids it well.
Canoe lands a few punches from side control.
Canoe in side control lands a nice looking series of punches and elbows.

That's two minutes gone in the round.
Canoe misses with an attempted head punch from side control.
Kong is trying to escape the position but Canoe is controlling the position.
Kong taking punishment in the form of punches.
Canoe in side control lands a decent elbow.
Kong is not content to let Canoe control the position.
Canoe misses with the ground and pound.
Canoe trying to control the position but Kong is working away.
The strikes coming from Canoe are missing the target in this wave of attacks.
Canoe wants to control but Kong is keeping him busy.

That's three minutes gone in the round.
Canoe with the ground and pound but Kong regains half guard under the barage of strikes.
Canoe is scoring with some nice ground and pound from the dominant position.
Well, if Canoe is going to just lie there, perhaps we should talk about what we're having for dinner tonight… I'm having a ham and pineapple pizza… Yum. Can't wait.
Canoe not throwing his punches with enough precision this time.
Kong taking some punishment here, with Canoe in his half guard.
Canoe stops Kong from getting back to his feet.
Canoe is figuring out what he wants to do next.
Canoe wants to pass the guard but Kong is defending well.

That's four minutes gone in the round.
Kong avoiding damage under a succession of punches from Canoe.
Kong is looking to escape.
The referee claps his hands together and tells the fighters to work.
Kong is not content to let Canoe control the position.

The referee has stepped in and called for a break in the action. We'll restart on the feet.
The crowd thankful this round is nearly over.

A momentary lapse in concentration from Kong enables Canoe to shoot in and score with a neat double leg. Kong manages to secure a closed guard as the fighters hit the mat.
Canoe slows down the pace of the fight, as he sits in guard.
And that’s the end of the round – the fighters go back to their corners.

Douche Canoe dominated that round.
The referee calls time. The cornermen exit stage left and we're back to business.

Canoe works Kong's body with a nice hook.

Kong shoots in for a takedown from distance. He catches Canoe napping and manages to drive through into side control!
Canoe is looking to regain half guard here but Kong keeps moving and retains side control.

Kong is trying to land an Americana. He has the arm isolated but Canoe is keeping cool and he's avoided the danger for now.
Kong wants to control but Canoe is keeping him busy.
We get told so often about how wrestlers don't like to be on their backs. Let's see if Canoe can do anything to dispel that myth.

Kong tries for a kimura. Not really close to a finish though.
We've had a slow start to the round here - hopefully the action picks up.
Canoe tries to work a leg under to get back to half guard but Kong wriggles his own leg back out and remains in side control.

That's one minute gone in the round.

Kong is looking to finish here, going for an Americana. Canoe knows the correct defense though, so he's OK.
Canoe felt the need to train up his defensive grappling in the buildup to the fight. Presumably he was expecting to be in a difficult position like this, so let's see if he can get out of it.
Canoe sneaks a leg under to get back to half guard.
Canoe is looking to control Kong's leg but it's slowly edging free. Can Canoe avoid being mounted?
Kong is trying to control. Canoe wants to improve his position but can't escape this time.
Canoe tries to get to full guard but Kong has control of the leg.
Kong has freed up his trapped foot and advances to mount.
Douche Canoe has got the better of the ground game so far.

Kong is working on an americana here. Ooh, that looks pretty nasty! Nope, Canoe has managed to escape the submission attempt.

That's two minutes gone in the round.
Canoe wants to hold on but Kong pushes him away.

Kong has control of Canoe's right arm, working for a kimura. It's a bit of a token attempt though and Canoe regains control of the situation pretty easily.
The fighters are pressed up against the cage, both looking to find a bit of space to work.
Canoe regains half guard.
Canoe wants to get back to full guard.
Kong tries to pass to full mount but Canoe defends it.

That's three minutes gone in the round.
Kong not doing much here.
Canoe lands one or two decent shots to the body here. Although from his own half guard, he's not going to be causing too much damage.
Canoe is looking to improve his position.
Canoe trying to control from the bottom.

Kong is trying for a guillotine from the top but the pressure isn't in the right place so Canoe is just riding it out for now. Kong eventually gives up the hold.
Kong is thwarting Canoe's attempts to control the position.
The ref warns both fighters not to hold the cage as they work up against the meshing.

That's four minutes gone in the round.
The crowd are hurling abuse towards the fighters... You can hardly blame them though because there isn't a lot going on in the fight.
Canoe is looking to regain full guard. Not this time though.
Canoe gets full guard.
Canoe pulls Kong in close to prevent any damage.
Kong won't allow Canoe to sweep him here.

Kong drops back looking for a leg! Canoe is in trouble here! The fighters roll with the hold and Canoe manages to kick Kong off! Kong jumps back into Canoe's guard.
Canoe looking to hit a scissor sweep but Kong is one step ahead there.

The ref stands the fighters back up due to a lack of activity.
And that’s the end of the round – the fighters go back to their corners.

Matiku Kong dominated that second round.
OK. That's time! The bell goes and we're back to the action. This is the final round!

Canoe darts in and lands a nice takedown into half guard.
Canoe sitting in half guard, looking to land shots. Kong defending well though.
Kong blocking the ground and pound attempt from Canoe.
Canoe looks to land a strike but Kong avoids it nicely and regains full guard.
Canoe is in close to Kong's body, working some short punches and elbows.
We've had a slow start to the round here - hopefully the action picks up.
Canoe is looking to work some ground and pound but Kong has wrist control.
Canoe postures up and lands a big shot to Kong's brow.
Canoe has been the more effective fighter overall so far.
Canoe stands up and looks to throw the legs aside to pass to side control. Kong swivels though and keeps the full guard.
Kong is looking to stand up but Canoe isn't so interested in that idea.
Both fighters are breathing heavily.

That's one minute gone in the round.
Canoe works over Kong with some ground and pound from guard.
Canoe keeps in close for a moment and lands a decent shot to the side of Kong's head.
Canoe pressing down on his opponent's thigh, looking to pass guard. Kong is keeping the position for now.
Canoe makes a bit of distance and scores with some ground and pound, still in guard.
Canoe engaging in some classic timewasting tactics.
Kong wants to stand but Canoe is controlling the position.

That's two minutes gone in the round.
A few boos can be heard. I'm sure they will multiply if the fighters don't pick up the pace.
Canoe in full guard, throwing the ground and pound. No damage this time.
Canoe with a nice head shot there.
Canoe trying to control but Kong is working from the bottom.
Canoe landing with the ground and pound.

Kong is rocked!
Canoe looking to pass the guard.
Oh Kong is still in real trouble! Will he be able to recover?!!
Canoe loads up on a big left hand. Kong felt that one! He's just covering up now, not defending himself intelligently - Canoe looks towards the ref and unloads with 3 more big shots and the ref has no choice but to stop the fight! Kong can't hide his disappointment, as Canoe celebrates the victory.

Ladies and gentlemen, after 2:55 of round 3, we have a winner by way of TKO (Strikes). Douche Canoe!
After winning the bout, Douche Canoe thanked all his fans and promised he'd do even better in his next fight. The crowd seemed to love his humility.