PBP Commentary

Coming up we have a heavyweight MMA rules bout between Nikita Astakhov (ranked 0 p4p, 0 weight class) and Theodericus Thundercunt (ranked 0 p4p, 0 weight class). Astakhov comes to the cage accompanied by Tupac - Uppercut. Nikita Astakhov has the better chin. Will he look to stand and bang today?

Astakhov
vs
Thundercunt

190 cm
25
265 lbs
5 - 0 - 0

195 cm
25
255 lbs
4 - 1 - 0

BJJ White Belt
Solid boxing
Big right hand

BJJ White Belt
Decent boxing
Powerful

Hellraiser Fightgear
Sully's Bar & Grill

Ladies and gentlemen. This fight is 3 rounds, in the heavyweight division.
Introducing the fighter to my left, fighting out of the red corner.
With a record of 5 - 0 - 0, fighting out of The Island, Nikita Astakhov!
And introducing the fighter to my right, fighting out of the blue corner.
With a record of 4 - 1 - 0, fighting out of The Island, Theodericus Thundercunt!
The judges for this bout are Santiago Holmes, Daniel Franklin and Peter Branson.

The bell rings for round one and we are underway!

Astakhov gets in close and instigates a clinch.
A shot in the inside from Astakhov.
An uppercut on the inside fails to land for Thundercunt.
Thundercunt stalling here - the referee won't stand for too much of that.
A head punch on the inside from Thundercunt fails to land.
Thundercunt lands a short shot on the inside that snaps the head of Astakhov backwards.
Astakhov blocks a couple of punches on the inside.
Astakhov trying to control the position but instead, Thundercunt has worked for underhooks and has pushed Astakhov into the cage.
Thundercunt misses with a short punch on the inside.
Astakhov blocking some punches.
We've had a slow start to the round here - hopefully the action picks up.
Astakhov misses with a hook from the clinch.
Thundercunt misses with a punch on the inside.
Thundercunt working aggressively here.
Astakhov blocks an uppercut.
Thundercunt blocks an uppercut.
Thundercunt is stalling here.
Thundercunt looks more muscular than last time we saw him. He must have been on the weights.

That's one minute gone in the round.
Thundercunt lands with a short head shot on the inside.

It looks like Nikita Astakhov has been cut.
Thundercunt swings wildly with an uppercut but Astakhov uses good head movement to avoid it.
Thundercunt has Astakhov pushed against the cage.
Astakhov has a couple of punches blocked by Thundercunt.
A head punch blocked on the inside by Astakhov.
Thundercunt taking a breather.
Thundercunt swings wildly with an uppercut but Astakhov uses good head movement to avoid it.
A head punch blocked on the inside by Astakhov.
A quick uppercut on the inside from Astakhov.
Astakhov blocking some punches.
Astakhov swings wildly with an uppercut but Thundercunt uses good head movement to avoid it.
Astakhov blocking some punches.

That's two minutes gone in the round.
Thundercunt tries a shoulder strike but it doesn't do any damage.
Astakhov blocks an uppercut.
Astakhov leaning his opponent against the cage.
Thundercunt scores with a nice hook to the head.
Thundercunt is struggling to control the position.
Thundercunt fails to land with a short punch on the inside.
Thundercunt misses with the head strike.
Astakhov looks to be in better condition than last time we saw him fight. Obviously he's been working hard on his cardio.
Thundercunt misses with a short punch on the inside.
Thundercunt misses with some punches.
The pace slowing considerably in the clinch, as Thundercunt takes a break from that fighting nonsense to think about the finer things in life.
Thundercunt swings wildly with an uppercut but Astakhov uses good head movement to avoid it.
The crowd cheering loudly, showing their appreciation for the quality fight we're seeing here.
Astakhov blocking some punches.

That's three minutes gone in the round.
Astakhov blocking some punches.
An uppercut on the inside fails to land for Thundercunt.
Astakhov misses with some punches.
Thundercunt tries a shoulder strike but it doesn't do any damage.
Astakhov blocking some punches.
Astakhov leaning against his opponent.
Astakhov swings wildly with an uppercut but Thundercunt uses good head movement to avoid it.
Thundercunt tries a shoulder strike but it doesn't do any damage.
The two fighters are working to gain dominance in the clinch.
Both fighters working to control the clinch.
Thundercunt swings away with an uppercut that misses.
Astakhov blocks an uppercut.
An uppercut on the inside fails to land for Astakhov.
Astakhov blocking some punches.
An uppercut on the inside fails to land for Astakhov.
Thundercunt is working hard here but doesn't seem to be able to control effectively, up against the cage.

That's four minutes gone in the round.
Thundercunt throws a punch but it's blocked by Astakhov.
Astakhov tries a shoulder strike but it doesn't do any damage.
Astakhov misses with a hook to the ribs.
Astakhov blocks a punch to the side of the head.
Thundercunt makes some space for himself and lands an uppercut.
Thundercunt fails to land with a short punch on the inside.
Thundercunt throws a punch but it's blocked by Astakhov.
A head punch on the inside from Thundercunt fails to land.
Astakhov blocks a couple of punches on the inside.
Thundercunt swings wildly with an uppercut but Astakhov uses good head movement to avoid it.
Thundercunt blocks a couple of punches on the inside.
An uppercut on the inside fails to land for Thundercunt.
Astakhov taking a breather.
Thundercunt fails to land with a short punch on the inside.
This is a great period of action - very entertaining stuff!
Thundercunt swings wildly with an uppercut but Astakhov uses good head movement to avoid it.
And that’s the end of the round – the fighters go back to their corners.

Theodericus Thundercunt dominated that round.
The cut man is working on Nikita Astakhov's cut.
The minute break is over - no more time for sponges and pep talks - back to the action!

Astakhov clinches up with Thundercunt and pushes him back against the cage.
Astakhov fails to land with a short punch on the inside.
Thundercunt has been the more effective fighter overall so far.
Astakhov blocks an uppercut.
With the fighters clinched against the cage, Thundercunt creates a bit of distance for himself and scores with a nice uppercut.
Thundercunt lands a right hand.
Thundercunt has a couple of punches blocked by Astakhov.
Thundercunt swings away with an uppercut that misses.
Astakhov is looking to control Thundercunt's arms but Thundercunt gets an underhook and turns him. Now Astakhov has his back to the cage.
Astakhov throws a head punch that misses.
Thundercunt misses with some punches.
We've had a slow start to the round here - hopefully the action picks up.
Astakhov content to slow the pace in the clinch.
Astakhov has a couple of punches blocked by Thundercunt.
Astakhov misses with a punch on the inside.
Thundercunt tries a shoulder strike but it doesn't do any damage.
Come on Astakhov - let's have some action - none of this stalling nonsense.

That's one minute gone in the round.
Thundercunt swings away with an uppercut that misses.
Astakhov blocking some punches.
Astakhov being controlled against the cage.
Astakhov takes a shot to the head.
Astakhov working on landing some head shots here - that one got through nicely.
Astakhov swings wildly with an uppercut but Thundercunt uses good head movement to avoid it.
Thundercunt blocks a couple of punches on the inside.
Astakhov is trying to maintain a safe position but Thundercunt gets an underhook and turns Astakhov into the cage.
Thundercunt scores with a hook to the body.
Thundercunt working aggressively here.
Both fighters working to control the clinch.
Astakhov swings wildly with an uppercut but Thundercunt uses good head movement to avoid it.
Astakhov tries a shoulder strike but it doesn't do any damage.

That's two minutes gone in the round.
Thundercunt tries to throw a body punch but Astakhov avoids it by throwing Thundercunt back against the cage.
Astakhov misses with a hook from the clinch.
A head punch on the inside from Thundercunt fails to land.
Thundercunt misses with a shot to the kidneys.
Thundercunt working aggressively here.
Astakhov blocks an uppercut.
Astakhov lands on the inside with an uppercut.
An uppercut on the inside fails to land for Thundercunt.
Thundercunt working on landing some head shots here - that one got through nicely.
Thundercunt swings wildly with an uppercut but Astakhov uses good head movement to avoid it.
We've seen a great period of action over the last minute or so - credit to both fighters for going all out!
Thundercunt misses with a punch on the inside.
Thundercunt displaying some good clinch control by pressing Astakhov up against the cage.
Astakhov misses with a hook from the clinch.
Theodericus Thundercunt seems to be working more effectively in the clinch in the fight so far.

That's three minutes gone in the round.
A head punch blocked on the inside by Astakhov.
A short uppercut from Thundercunt.
Thundercunt swings away with an uppercut that misses.
An uppercut on the inside fails to land for Thundercunt.
Thundercunt misses with some punches.

Thundercunt breaks the clinch and we're back to striking at distance.

Astakhov has Thundercunt up against the cage in a clinch.
Thundercunt is clearly stalling here... Pick up the pace son.
Astakhov misses with a short punch on the inside.
A head punch on the inside from Thundercunt fails to land.

Thundercunt pushes off and circles away, back to the middle of the mat.
Thundercunt throws a poor cross that misses
and Astakhov cracks him with a counter punch right on the button.

That's four minutes gone in the round.

Astakhov has closed the distance and engaged Thundercunt in a clinch.
Astakhov scores with a shoulder strike.
Thundercunt working some nice short punches in the clinch.
Astakhov scores with a shoulder strike.
This is a great period of action - very entertaining stuff!
Thundercunt fails to land with a short punch on the inside.
Thundercunt throws a punch but it's blocked by Astakhov.
Astakhov misses with a hook from the clinch.
Thundercunt doesn't land with the attempted body shot.
Thundercunt swings away with an uppercut that misses.
Some stalling of biblical proportions here from Thundercunt.
Thundercunt misses with a short punch on the inside.
A head punch on the inside from Astakhov fails to land.
Astakhov blocks a punch to the side of the head.
Astakhov looking to slow down the pace here.
Thundercunt fails to land with a short punch on the inside.
And that’s the end of the round – the fighters go back to their corners.

Theodericus Thundercunt showed his class in that round. I'd imagine he'll take it on all the scorecards.
The cut man is working on Nikita Astakhov's cut.
That's time! Back to the action! This is the final round!

Astakhov moves into the clinch.
Thundercunt has a couple of punches blocked by Astakhov.
Astakhov pushes Thundercunt back against the cage and lands a hook to the side of the head.
Astakhov tries to land a shot to the body but it's blocked.
Astakhov has a couple of punches blocked by Thundercunt.
Thundercunt swings wildly with an uppercut but Astakhov uses good head movement to avoid it.
Thundercunt lands with a right to the head.
With the fighters clinched against the cage, Thundercunt creates a bit of distance for himself and scores with a nice uppercut.
Both guys are working to get underhooks.
Both guys are working to get underhooks.
We've had a slow start to the round here - hopefully the action picks up.
Astakhov misses with the head strike.
Thundercunt lands with a short head shot on the inside.
Thundercunt throws a head punch that misses.
Thundercunt has a couple of punches blocked by Astakhov.
Thundercunt fails to land with a short punch on the inside.

That's one minute gone in the round.
Thundercunt throws a head punch that misses.
Thundercunt throws a punch but it's blocked by Astakhov.
The referee calls for Astakhov to work.
Thundercunt swings wildly with an uppercut but Astakhov uses good head movement to avoid it.
Astakhov effectively controlling the action here.
Thundercunt working on landing some head shots here - that one got through nicely.
Thundercunt taking a break, stalling in the clinch.
Thundercunt misses with a hook from the clinch.
A head punch blocked on the inside by Astakhov.
Astakhov blocks a punch to the side of the head.
Nice body punch from Thundercunt - that landed with a thud.
A head punch blocked on the inside by Thundercunt.
Astakhov blocking some punches.

That's two minutes gone in the round.
Thundercunt misses with a punch on the inside.
Thundercunt has Astakhov pushed against the cage.
Astakhov lands with a left to the head.
A real battle for position is taking place between these two warriors.
Astakhov letting Thundercunt take a breather here.
Thundercunt misses with the head strike.
A head punch blocked on the inside by Astakhov.
A head punch on the inside from Astakhov fails to land.
Thundercunt misses with the head strike.
Astakhov throws a blind hook that connects with the side of Thundercunts head.
Some stalling of biblical proportions here from Astakhov.
Astakhov lands a right hand that snaps the head of Thundercunt backwards.
This is a great period of action - very entertaining stuff!
Astakhov lands punches inside but they're not really causing much damage.
A right hand to the body from Astakhov.

That's three minutes gone in the round.
Astakhov lands with a short shot to the head.
Thundercunt misses with some punches.
Thundercunt misses with a short punch on the inside.
Thundercunt has a couple of punches blocked by Astakhov.
Thundercunt has a couple of punches blocked by Astakhov.
Thundercunt misses with a punch on the inside.
Thundercunt tries a shoulder strike but it doesn't do any damage.
Astakhov is pushing Thundercunt up against the cage, for a bit of lean and pray action. Action being used the in the loosest possible sense of the word.
Theodericus Thundercunt is fighting for a decision - hopefully he's judged it right and he's actually winning the fight.
A head punch blocked on the inside by Thundercunt.
Astakhov swings wildly with an uppercut but Thundercunt uses good head movement to avoid it.

That's four minutes gone in the round.
Thundercunt blocks a punch to the side of the head.
Astakhov blocks a body shot from Thundercunt.
Astakhov misses with a short punch on the inside.
Astakhov fails to land with a short punch on the inside.
Astakhov misses with the head strike.
A head punch on the inside from Astakhov fails to land.
Astakhov fails to land with a short punch on the inside.
Nikita Astakhov has stepped it up - he knows he needs a finish here!
Thundercunt struggles to land a body shot inside as Astakhov controls his hands.

And that's the end of the fight!
I would just about give that final round to Theodericus Thundercunt.
I've got Thundercunt winning every round here. Surely the decision will go his way and he'll pick up a well deserved decision victory. Over to the ring announcer for the scorecards.

Ladies and gentlemen, after 3 rounds of action, we go to the scorecards for a decision.
Judge Santiago Holmes scores the fight 28:29
Judge Daniel Franklin scores the fight 27:30
Judge Peter Branson scores the fight 27:30

In favor of your winner, by unanimous decision... Theodericus Thundercunt!
Theodericus Thundercunt seemed lost for words in his post fight interview but he remembered to thank his fans and directed everyone to his website.